September 16, 2019
Let's face it - this movie stinks and rules. There's so little happening but no one notices because it's masked by CONSTANT break dancing. It's wall-to-wall. There might be more more dance/musical numbers in this than Caberet and Chicago and Grease combined. Now that might scare off the casual bad-movie goer who is here for movies staring shirtless men with guns, but don't be afraid - this thing is electric dog-poo on fire.
It's really something of a special deal when a movie crams this much non-diegetic, metaphorical story-telling using dance as the device and still manages to contain as much mind-boggling nonsense within those dance sequences. For most of us, we just check out during dance numbers as they are just a showcasing of people's abilities to move their butt around, but this is not that. There's a constant tone of bonkers throughout these numbers and must be watched; especially the surrounding extras.
The acting is hilarious, with two non-leads stealing every scene. The actors who played Lucia and Rhonda were both so bad that they had to be over-dubbed and the dub is absolutely laughable. Try not to fall out of your chair when Lucia helps Turbo bust out of the hospital.
It's an absolute spectacle of ineptitude, all while still being the most competent film Golan and Globus ever put together - and they did it in less than six months.
Breakin 2': Electric Boogaloo is an absolute must do for its historical importance but beyond that - it's just a damn good time.
September 3, 2019
The biggest flop in Hollywood history visits the podcast, eats all our food, backups the sewer system and kidnaps our children and then quietly makes us forget that any of it ever happened. Will it be worse than The Love Guru?
The weird thing about Pluto Nash is that is just nothing. It doesn't make you angry. The jokes aren't groan-worthy. The plot doesn't cause your eyes to roll so hard they pop out. It's just a bunch of nothing. There may not be another movie that has ever made us feel so dispassionate towards it. We just don't care about it - not even enough to hate.
Which is likely it's fatal flaw. Don't get us wrong, it's a turd sandwich. But does it belong in the same discussion as other bottom 100 movies? If you gave a Ted Talk about the worst movies of all time, you'd be a jackass because Ted Talks are super narcissistic but you'd also spend zero time talking about the biggest flop in Hollywood history.
"Pluto Nash? Oh yes of course, but lets move on to House of the Dead."
So just don't bother with The Adventures of Pluto Nash. No one else has.
August 26, 2019
Banning comes back once again to save the President once again from an assassination attempt where not everything is not as it seems once again. It's the number one movie in America, but is it enough to keep the Banning franchise alive?
Make no mistake, Banning 3's plot statement above is the same as the other two but this film is a departure from the other two. Where the other two are a thin plot stuff around ludicrous action scenes and Banning eating the flesh of his enemies, this one mostly has Banning on the defensive and reacting to the violence around him instead of reveling in it. And while the villain is a complete moron (we'll get to that later) there's nothing really stupid that takes place in Banning's world. Let's put it this way - if there were no Banning 1 and 2, Banning 3 wouldn't be on the podcast. It's just a solid (if forgettable) action movie.
Now the villain, played by Danny Huston, keeps this inside the realm of the idiot plot from the bad guys standpoint. Banning of course, doesn't apply to the idiot plot because all he does is kill bad guys so it's not FULL idiot plot. However, wow. This company that Danny Huston's character runs has no chance of ever avoiding subpoena's and Congressional investigations. Like the day their file their incorporation, the company is all sent to Gitmo - because evil and COMPLETELY bad at being a bad guy is a dangerous combo.
It is clear that Gerald Butler has lost a step (he broke his neck in the last one and then got in a motorcycle crash right before this one) and some people might be a little disappointed in that (see Sam) but he's still charming, fun and kick-ass Banning - just a different, less psychopathic version of himself. Yet the real star of the show is Nick Nolte who plays Old Man Banning and is an absolute treat. Usually 2x of your fave action guy sucks, but 2x Banning is wonderful. Nolte completely steals the show and gives arguably the best performance that's ever been in a Banning movie.
For you? Maybe. If you don't love Banning by now, this one isn't going to bring you in to the warm, loving, fun and just darn good people community you sick, soulless bastard. But if you're like the rest of us, it just depends on if you like a "better" Banning movie, but less fun that the others. I for one, loved it and hope that this isn't the last time we see Mike Banning.
August 19, 2019
The bald bros are back minus the biggest bald bro, so the bald bro stock is down! The 2/3 of the bald bros are forced to team-up to stop Thanos from killing everyone while learning about super-powered villains, love and friendship and forget about family, Vin Diesel and cars.
While there is a myriad of problems with Universal's fingers in their big franchise (of which there is many fingers) the team behind the action do a great job. This film is shot well, very well choreographed, has some genuinely funny cameos (that normally would have sucked ass), and some great film-making contrasting the two leads.
That's where the good stops.
The rest is a hot mess. The plot is absolutely stupid. The villains clearly have no clue on what there doing and just making one different movie negates the entire movie and gives them everything they want. The Idiot Plot has appeared again.
The movie looses focus on what its trying to achieve a third of the way through. It tries to shift away from the Torreto side of the F&F for about 30 minutes and then just clones it again (poorly). There's something that we can't put our finger on why it works in the "Family" side of the franchise but it doesn't work here, other than clearly lazy writing and really stupid villains.
At the end of the day, the biggest problem is a scary prospect for the future of franchises - the MCUing of Hollywood. Make no mistake - this isn't a Fast & Furious film, it's a Marvel movie with the F&F guys. Runtime, superpowers that aren't explained or needed, and even post-credit sequences make this an obvious attempt by the men in ties at Universal to cash in on those Disney zillions instead of doing what they do best - just make their own damn films. We are petrified that for the next 10 years every studio turns their blockbusters into just an crummy MCU film. Eek!
We're sad because Hollywood shouldn't be afraid of spin-offs but they can't just regurgitate the thing their spinning off and do it so poorly. It's not that its a crappy-bad movie, its just an ok-bad movie. You'll still have a good time but don't think this is going to give you any surprises. You'll likely forget about it the next day.
August 12, 2019
All of the truckers team up to drive down the road hauling goods and.... freedom? Let's try that again. A bunch of cops chase a bunch of truckers down the highway because of their flagrant....trucking? Ok, ok, ok. Got it - Truckers Truck!
Seriously the plot of Convoy is one of the most dubious we've ever reviewed. One might argue that about 20 minutes of the movie actually has a plot of outrunning the law who wants to kill a fellow trucker because of abuse of power and racism, but that plot lasts for only a brief period. Within minutes of that plot being put together, the film shifts into Forrest Gump running across the US with people joining him because they think he's got all the answers. At no point, does anyone have a clue why they've joined a mega-convoy of truckers and why anyone cares about them.
Sadly, while the plot is absolutely bonkers the fun stops there. In such a film that had the budget and comes hot off the heels of Smokey & The Bandit, there's pretty tame stunts and not enough of those to begin with. The "bandit" (Kris Kristopherson) isn't charming (he's just gross), action packed (he gets his butt kicked in the only fight) and lacks motivation throughout the film. He's just a guy who is driving down the road to a completely unestablished destination.
It's just kind of boring and lacking in anything that we love about trucking films. This is a don't from us.
August 5, 2019
Well hello, Mary Lou. So good of you to drop in and see me. Wait what are you doing??? Why do you have the powers of all the X-Men combined? Are you like an evil ghost Rogue? How do you work and what is your reason for existence???? Argghghgghghg.....gurgle, gurgle.
The above is a perfect summation of what each character should be asking the spooky-ghost or spooky-demon or spooky-ghost-demon that is Mary Lou, a 1950s prom queen who got burnt up like Freddy and lives in a suitcase for 30 years only to return and enact dubious revenge upon various 80s teenagers whom had nothing to do with her death. Why Mary Lou chooses to do anything she does is beyond us and where she got her spooky-powers is another problem. Lastly, we really can't even begin to decipher the ending in which Mary Lou gets (what the movie tries to tell us) everything she wants, only to pull a Jason and not be dead so that she can take a road-trip with the kiddies.
This movie fits in perfectly with any of the other nonsensical movies we've reviewed over the years (Dreamcatcher, The Wicker Man, 88 Minutes, Lady in the Water) in that the script is so disjointed from its various moving parts that what you end up with in the end is a series of events that conflict with other events and character actions, with a dollop of heavy weirdness here and there that makes for a not-remember-able horror movie but a fantastic riffing voyage that will leave all audience members scratching their heads for days. Add in some bad acting, some odd casting choices, some super cheesy horror effects and then mash it all up into Carrie 3: The Shining on Elm Street and you've got a recipe for bad movie theater.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
July 25, 2019
Dolph disguises a buddy-cop movie as an terminator movie. Inside you'll learn that the most deadliest weapon in space are compact discs and all aliens have male-pattern-baldness.
Dark Angel AKA I Come in Peace is absolutely bananas. It's so full of action sequences, explosions, aliens chasing each other, one-liners, and a crazy plot where people's brains are drugs in space. It's riddled with buddy-cop cliches, the new partner that does this by the book, an ex-girlfriend that also works in the same circles, the chief that wants his badge, etc... all while giant alien guys are exploding everything in the city with mega-weapons. It's fantastic.
There's only so much early 90's nostalgia that you can cram into a movie and somehow this movie manages to blast through that barrier. It's not just the world's deadliest weapon (the compact disc), it's the music, the obligatory cops-at-a-strip-club-scene, it's the hair, the clothes, the cars, and the one-liners.
While some people would have made this a dark and grisly film, Craig R. Baxley makes this an absolute blast and falls into an instant classic for anyone who missed it when it came out. Watch this movie now!
July 15, 2019
Chuck Norris launches his career by kicking lots of people in the chest and calling in his truckin' buddies to run a town over - yes the entire town. It's about as weird movie as you can get and hilarious throughout. Come on back, big rigger!
Now you can probably guess how much trucking vs. karate there is in the film and how silly the the combo of the two working together looks on screen. So let's go past that and talk solely about the villainy. The plot revolves around this town that has gone off the deep-end and has essentially declared independence from the state of California. Fine. What their deepest flaw is that they have no idea how to be bad guys. Their evil plot is to hijack truckers, steal their tv dinners, eat the tv dinners, crush the $80,000 truck in a crusher, sell the metal for $200, make moonshine, dump the moonshine on the ground, drink Wild Turkey instead and operate their legal system in the same manner as The Spanish Inquisition. There's no way that a band of truckers are going to run your town over - nope, this plan is perfect!....they said as the FBI is swarming them and filling each citizen full of hot lead.
The action is nuts, the karate is hilarious, the van is BOSS, the truckin' lingo is coming at you constantly, the villain is the God-King version of Rosco P. Coltrane, there's tons of weird crap happening outside of the focus, and the ending is absolutely insane with a blend of Spaghetti-Western, truckin', and karate kicks.
We absolutely love this movie and it's got about everything you want in a crummy action truckin' movie. Do not skip it!
July 8, 2019
The 80's eats far too much pixi-dust and barfs out the worst of it right into our faces. It's Pia Zedora showing off why a millionaire had to pay for her to act and Craig Scheffer giving poopy face for 90 minutes. If you want to make sure you've seen the worst musical, you can't miss this pile of no talent.
The deal with Voyage of the Rock Aliens is that it's a failed project before it even gets started. Originally it was supposed to be more like UHF instead it's more like Grease 2. You've got Pia Zedora attempting to launch her career by dancing like she's in a blender. On the opposite side of the obligatory love relationship is Craig Scheffer (yes Craig Scheffer from Nightbreed and A River Runs Through It) whose entire thing is to lip-sync over Jermaine Jackson and making poopy-face over and over and over and over again.
Believe it or not, the movie has a myriad of other terrible set pieces and acting. Each and every musical number (with the exception of the the Jermaine Jackson "When the Rain Begins to Fall" which wasn't supposed to be in the film) is absolutely atrocious as if you went to the mall and had the "Be in the Music Video" store produce your movie. The Rock Aliens are actually the band Rhema (mostly, the bass player wasn't screen-worthy apparently) who ALL have no business being on screen give us the majority of the musical numbers so I hope you like Devo knockoffs.
Add in a couple psychopath slashers, a tentacle monster, West Side Story knockoffs, bad costumes, future makeup, terrible robots, C.H.O.M.P.S. level comedy, Love Potion No. 8 devices, a cougar that lives in a school locker and Ruth Gordon and you've got a recipe for disaster that boils over onto your stove, making a permanent stain on your psyche.
Be warned, this one's not for everyone and can be a little tough to get through. You may end up squirming in your chair in discomfort. But it's an absolute must if you want to know what the worst musical is, love crappy 80's videos, or love touring IMDB Bottom 100 worthy films.
July 1, 2019
Dolph grabs onto a couple of nukes and uses them to turn his shirt into a sleeveless job. It's The Rock all over again with better acting, better stunts and better action sequences - and it still stinks.
We won't dig too much into the plot here because it's legit just The Rock within a missile silo. What we want to talk about is the incredible amount of stinker staples delivered. There's no sploding chopper but there's pretty much everything else. Dolph's 1-liners and overflowing from his cup and they are all A+ cheesy goodness. The amount of stunts and the level of production put into these stunts while wrapped around a really close example of the idiot plot is astounding. The production design is a blend of surprising and terrible. The script is bonkers bad. There's a little here for everyone.
While it slows down for about 5 minutes in the middle, this is pretty hot from start to finish. It never makes sense and gives you plenty to riff on. This isn't just a great sunday movie, this could become a special groups favorite riff experience ever.
We highly recommend it. While not ever going to be in anyone's hall of fame, its just a solid POS that is loved by all.