Conquest - Someone just give those pooches a home!

The Lucio Fulci movie that more people should be talking about may just be so weird its good?

"Conquest" is one of those bizarre gems that defies logic, reason, and possibly all known laws of filmmaking. From the opening frame, you're catapulted into a world where absolutely nothing makes sense—and that's the beauty of it. The plot (if you can call it that) revolves around two warriors, Mace and Ilias, who embark on a quest to stop an evil, topless sorceress who wears a metal mask and is clearly compensating for something. Why? Who knows! The movie doesn't bother to explain, and honestly, it doesn't matter.

The action scenes are a special kind of weird. Imagine slow-motion combat sequences where everyone moves like they're underwater, yet somehow, limbs are still getting chopped off left and right. The gore is gratuitous, and I mean gratuity with a capital G. There's blood spraying everywhere, heads getting smashed for no reason, and enough fake entrails to make you wonder if they bought out an entire Halloween store. The nudity? Oh, it's there—just about every 10 minutes, the film throws in a random naked person for no discernible reason other than, well, why not? If you're looking for plot relevance, you're in the wrong movie.

The special effects and costumes are so corny and cheesy that you almost feel like you're watching a live-action cartoon—except way more violent. The monsters look like they were assembled out of leftover Muppets, and the villain’s henchmen wear masks that make them look like rejected extras from a bad '70s sci-fi show. And the music? Imagine a synth-heavy score that somehow makes everything feel both epic and hilariously out of place, like if someone played a disco track during a gladiator battle. It's that level of weirdness.

In the end, "Conquest" is like a fever dream wrapped in a bad acid trip dipped in melted cheese. It's one of those rare films where everything is so bizarrely wrong that it becomes impossibly right. If you love movies that make you question your life choices, while also making you laugh at how absurdly terrible they are, "Conquest" is your golden ticket. Enjoy the ride—you'll never forget it, no matter how hard you try.