Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

Lady in the Water - Stinker Madness Rerun

This episode originally aired in November of 2017. In "the before time". Enjoy.
 
Spectacularly over-rated director M. Knight Shyamalan gives us his vanity piece in the vein of Neil Breen and Tommy Wiseau and not only shows us he stinks at film as badly as they do, but that he's a giant, narcissistic, arrogant, terrible person. Good job!
So it's a fairy tale that involves water people called Narfs, who want to help mankind solve their problems. Standing in the way is their lack of sense of meeting people and a solo grass dog, but also the rules of being eaten by one of Gandalf's eagles. Ok... Now we know that if you look too deeply into most fairy tales, you'll find plenty of problems within the logic and that's fine. However, that is not what this jackass is trying to get us to not do. He tries to put forward some moral about man's desire to destroy itself without some sort of altruistic outside influence as a vehicle to change. What he succeeds in, is to say that he is the greatest story-teller ever to live and if you feel differently you should be eaten by a monster green monster.
Then there's his martyrdom. He plays a character in the film who is the object of the Narf's musing. This person will change the world via his book. It will be read by the future leader of the world, thus inspiring him to make mankind peaceful and prosperous. Yet at no point does he make an attempt to declare what is contained within his "The Cookbook". His only reference to its content is "Its got things about leaders and governments and society and stuff". THIS is the words of the greatest storyteller according to himself. What an asshole.
Aside from his giant ego and his complete hatred for anyone that critiques his work and doesn't worship it, this movie is crap. It's shot poorly, breaks its own rules constantly, has a terrible performance by Paul Giamatti, and conflicting character motivations. It also has a mermaid who has no pants, Ariel's treasure cave, gorilla/ent hybrids, and an apartment complex that was built next to Sherwood without a parking lot. Despite all that lunacy it's terribly boring, hugely unfunny and well worth avoiding.

The Terror Within II - Daddy‘s home, Monster Baby

Once again, those randy monsters try to break into an underground lab of dubious intent and the only man whose ever fought them does nothing to help anyone but himself to some horny waste-lander. But this time, he fathers his own monster baby. Daddy's home, sucka!
Continuing the story of David, one of two survivors from Mojave Lab of the first film, we find him on his way to Rocky Mountain Lab where he plans to spend the rest of his days on a weekend booty/peyote hunt. I guess they don't have vaccines to the virus that killed all of mankind but now they have a method of creating one. The sole missing ingredient comes from cacti that he must gather for them on his way. As one could predict his journey is hampered by the monsters as well as a cult that sacrifices hot ladies to the monster's lusty ways in order to save themselves (that doesn't make sense). He meets a randy lady who comforts his grief for the world by offering up her luscious bits. She manages to get pregnant with his child only to later have the monster have his way with her creating a super mutant monster baby within her. The terror!
Well David, doesn't bother to divulge his experiences the last time his lover got monster-impregnated, nor does he bother to use his dog whistle to stop anyone from being murdered, until it is far too late. Good stuff, David! Once, said monster-baby is born he faces off in a death battle against his offspring that represents itself in a full grown man suit with a conjoined twin on its face (we think). Hilarity ensues when mom disciplines the monster baby and David kills it in the way a certain Libyan dictator was killed by his own subjects - in the butt.
Terror Within II isn't going to make it on anyone's hall of fame list but it is beyond a day a much better time than the first one. Its not draggy and while devoid of much plot, manages to fill its time with enough wacky business that keeps you engaged. The final sequence is worth the price of admission but the rest of the film isn't a joyless experience and is a great riffer. We say do it!

Candyman - Not the bees!

Freddy Krueger he is not. What the Candyman actually is and how he works is as big of a mystery as Amelia Earnhardt's disappearance. Nothing makes sense!
What is Candyman? Well we know that he was murdered for the mistake of being born black. Ok, so he comes back as the spirit of racial injustice vengeance? Nope. The person he kills that drives the narrative is an impoverished black woman. Ok. Well what else? They murdered him by covering him in honey and bees stung him to death and he seems to have a real affinity for the buzzy bugs. So is he bees? Maybe, but if he's bees then why isn't other Candymen (yes there are other Candymen as shown in the ending) also bees? Nope. Only he's bees. He also poops bees and actual poop which is pretty weird.
The most baffling thing about Candyman is his modus operandi. Call him 5 times in the mirror and he murders you? Nope. Our protagonist, Helen (Virginia Madsen) does that and she doesn't get killed by him. One of his murders is just busting into a ladies apartment uninvited. Another time he chopped a kid's weiner off for peeing in the wrong toilet. Helen summons him and he kills some other guy. Nothing tracks. As silly as Freddy is at times, he's one thing - consistent if nothing else. Candyman is all over the place. 
Seriously ask yourself what the plot is. Put its attempts at social commentary, its brilliant soundtrack and the exceptional gift that is Tony Todd aside and tell me what this movie is about? Is it a forlorn love story in the same vein as The Mummy Returns? Is it about reincarnation due to horrible circumstances? Is it about the propagation of urban legends and the effects of myth on reality?
While all the surrounding elements distract you into thinking this is some high brow horror film with subtext and production of the Oscars - you're missing it. Candyman isn't about any of those things. Just because you talk about gentrification, racial injustice, privilege, and urban folklore doesn't mean your film is about those things. Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. Its a movie that takes place at Christmas. I won't be bent on that just because you want to have an excuse to watch it instead of Its a Wonderful Life.
I could take it or leave it. I understand it has its fun moments and one can argue its thought provoking but to me its just a muddled mess of a film on top of another film like a crappy painting covering up a good one.

Dragonheart - Death by cheese cart!

Wherein a dragon saves a terrible person's life and everyone blames the dragon for said terrible person's terribleness. Its a funny old world we lived in back in 984 AD.
So yeah, the plot here is that a oppressive king dies in a moronic manner and his awful Joffreyesque turd of a child becomes king. Before he can reimplement prima nocta, a girl falls onto him; knocking him into a lethal cheese cart. Yes that's right. Before the movie even starts up, the villain has been killed by a cheese cart. So his mentor, Bowen (played by Dennis Quaid) takes him up to a dragon's cave where Draco (Sean Connery) takes a chunk of his heart and stuffs into said brat and revives him, all while making him swear an oath to be a just and kind king. Before the little wanker can make it back to his castle, he's already issued a decree to enslave the people to build a vanity project for him. Bowen, being the perfect judge of character that he is, blames Draco for King Twat's cruelty and vows to hunt him to the ends of the earth.
12 years later, and both Bowen and Draco forget that they ever met, despite Bowen still being on a genocidal hunt to murder ALL dragons and Draco feeling the literal pain of sharing his dragonheart and the mistake of his one good deed to allow him into dragon heaven being the continuation of a monarchy that enslaves and murders its own subjects. Well the pair team up to run the mob's protection racket and hijinx ensue. Eventually (about 85% of the film length) they decide to take on King Butthole and end his reign.
Despite how incredibly stupid the plot is, it still doesn't qualify for the idiot plot. King Longsuck still would have been a terrible ruler and eventually someone was going to rise up against him. A dragon sure would be helpful in a rebellion, one would think, but Draco doesn't even do anything to support the rebellion. Burn some castles! Go full Targaryen! Nope he just flies around. So its clear you do NOT need a dragon to have a successful rebellion. One could argue that without Draco reviving the little dickhead that the plot wouldn't happen. Little BH would be dead. Problem solved. Well, yes, the plot wouldn't exist. But its not Draco's fault the kid's a little Hitler. He didn't know. Bowen should have so he's an idiot but it wasn't just him that took the kid to Draco - it was the Queen Mother's idea. And can you really call a mother an idiot for wanting to save her child's life, even if he's the antichrist? I'm not going to. Mom's rule (except mine who went out for a pack of smokes and never came back. How far away is that gas station, anyways?).
Long story short: Draco is poorly designed, does very little "dragoning", its tedious and draggy as it does its best to fill in the time as it avoids the main plot, the action is drab and the jokes are intolerable. You can leave after Prince Caligula dies by falling on some cheese.

The Terror Within - The Texas Legislature should watch this

In a post-apocalyptic world, a group of scientists find a pregnant lady and then the shenanigans ensue. A tea-drinking monster finds its way around their base, operating elevators and smashing speakers like The Who all with the singular objective of lady butt. The terror within, indeed.
Essentially, this is Alien but underground and in a singular location ("singular" twice in as many sentences? take that English 102). Somehow, somewhy monsters called "gargoyles" are around wandering the wasteland. They don't eat people or animals. They just kill men and have their way with the women. Once a lady is impregnanted a new gargoyle comes out and the process repeats. However the host is killed. And because they killed the men, there's no more ladies being born to sustain their species. These things are dumb. Their lifecycle is about 7 days and they have holes in their skin and can't close their jaw. I think the remnants of humanity will be just fine. You just need to wait them out, they'll die out on their own.
So what's fun here? Well, aside from their horrendously terrible rubber suit that the monster actor wears, its mostly the ineptitude of our band of heroes. While I say that humankind will be fine, I will retract that statement if the rest of us are as dumb as the occupants of Mojave Lab. Not to mention these guys are already dead from dehydration before the movie already started. There's no damn water supply! Ok, I'll move on. In one scene, they find themselves in a hall way that has oily rags in a bucket next to barrels that have "explosive" written on it. Of course, you're gonna explode your whole base. Our favorite character is Dr. Linda, who at point blank, tells her patient that all is fine - after being freshly raped and impregnated by a monster.
"I'm not fine! I have a monster baby in me!""Nope, it's a human.""I wasn't pregnant yesterday. Today I am and it's because of monster rape!""Nope. You're good. Sleep well."
While it can be a little slow and draggy here and there, the plot is enough to carry this into the do category for me, but two other SM hosts said it's a don't. Enter at your own risk, I guess.

Vibes - Only the wrong ones

Cyndi Lauper has psychic powers. Jeff Goldblum is tall and is Jeff Goldblum. Are they a match made in Hollywood for the 80s? Obviously not. Hope you like everyone being at an 11!
So Vibes is part of this weird genre that only really happened in the 80's. The closest the men in ties will call it is a rom-com, but there's a x-factor with this type of 80's flicks. There's always a BS gimmick such as what we have here - psychic powers. These are more of screwball comedies but with a love interest penciled in because "Oh I guess we have to". So the romance is an afterthought which means that its shouldn't even be a rom-com at all since the rom is so far down on the list of priorities in the writing.
It's unfortunate for a lot of these films as the masses tend to stay away from rom-coms. Aside from the teenage girls. But why are we catering our films around selling to this very small niche? I guess I digress.
None of this is to say that we've got a good one here. Frankly, Vibes is a mix of cringe and tedium. While there is a sprinkle of good occasionally, most of the jokes are pulled or the ones that aren't are awkward and weird. I guess if you're only wanting to come into a movie for Cyndi Lauper, then you'll like it. For the rest of us that could go either way - its a skipper.

Beastmaster III - Dar isn‘t in control of anything

Dar reunites with Seth and his home planet in order to save his bro, but screw everyone else. I need a hero, but could I get someone besides this Dar guy?
So if you're a big fan of Dar, well this one isn't for you. It sure exposes Dar to be a cadre of negatives. He's dumb as dirt. He's a bit of a dick. He only thinks with his dick. He doesn't give much of a crap about his friends or the other citizens of his planet. And lastly and most importantly, he's not even a damn Beastmaster. His friends (the lion (who was a tiger before), the hawk and his two ferret pals) refuse to do as he commands but even past that a damn camel bucks him off. The man who controls beasts gets bucked off a dromedary. Inexcusable. Dar sucks in BM:III.
Outside of Dar's inexplicable ineptitude, BM:III is not the level of fun that the first one is because, well, nothing is. BUT its night and day compared to the second one and for a made-for-tv movie, this is a true gem. It's as dumb as you can make them and is easily one of the most accessible riffer that we've seen. Its safe for all and totally easy to mock.
With its incredibly stupid plot, its ignorance of its own rules and continuity and the bonkers ending with Dar finally finding true love in a guy whose name literally pronounced as "Bae", BM:III is bookended with greatness, much like the series as a whole. You just have to get through that middle part.

Terminal Exposure - HOT TUB LIMO!!!

If the d-bags from Weekend at Bernie's got involved in a mob murder caper... oh wait that's still Weekend at Bernie's. Ok, well imagine if they go on a butt hunt for 15 minutes too.
Terminal Exposure is classified by some as a sex-romp comedy but I frankly don't see it. Maybe I'm desensitized to boobs at this point but the nudity is fairly mild with only one real sex scene (that ranks up there with the grossest of all - despite Hope Marie Carlton being in it). What this to me is a screwball comedy. Its truly in the same vein as Weekend at Bernie's (but not annoying or painfully tedious) or Dumb and Dumber (which shares many of the same plot elements - maybe Dumb and Dumber is also Weekend at Bernie's).
However, for the talent that is here that should deliver a groan-inducing cavalcade of boner jokes, somehow Terminal Exposure just kind of works. At no point was it approaching the stupidity that one would expect. The jokes were solid and well delivered despite being launched at you by relative amateurs. The hijinx were well paced and showcased by a befuddled Joe Estevez (yes, Uncle Joe is a show stealer here). And while the plot makes absolutely no sense and is pretty muddled when finally revealed, it takes a back seat to the chain of events that our two numbnut heroes find themselves stumbling into all in the name of chasing tail. All while failing to find itself in the offensive/rapey tropes that most 80's films about two horny guys go into (looking at you, License to Drive). You're not going to be getting any dirty looks while showing this one to your new girlfriend. Maybe some eyerolls.

Cop and a Half - Never cross the streams, kid?

A believe it or not commercial success, but working more like a confused mess that doesn't know who they want watching it, Burt Reynolds teams up with a precocious scamp to take down a drug ring - because early 90's.
Talk about 90's stereotypes and whatever rules to life. Of course, the kid doesn't have parents - it's 1993! Of course the cops cave to his demands to be a cop despite being 10 - it's 1993! Of course, Burt Reynolds drives over everyone's yards without consequences - its 1993! Pop Rocks for a drug prop? You betcha its 1993!
Its a weird mix of Robocop, Kindergarten Cop and then a ton of crap that people thought worked in 1993 but in the end its just painfully boring and when its not, its painfully uncomfortable. This is a don't.

White Tiger - The Zelchong are coming for you

audio alert - Sam was on his webcam for the first 7 minutes so there is a weird audio shift when he switches to a good mic. Nothing painful to your earholes, just figured we owe you an explaination. Proceed!
Knocking off Beverly Hills Cop while showcasing Gary Daniels as a cheaper JCVD but forgetting that he can't act past his gob being open, White Tiger can't figure out what it is or what it should be so it just manages to be mid-90s karate mush.
Why doesn't the movie work or why did I absolutely wish I'd watched something else? Well I'll tell you who's fault it is. It isn't Cary Tagawa. He's fantastic, of course. And he's allowed to go to 11 so it's not director Richard Martin's fault either. It's not even Gary Daniels fault despite his lack of acting, as the big draw is the fight sequences which he co-choreographed with prolific stunt-man Lauro Chartrand. So whose fault is it that White Tiger is a total boring slog of a film?
Well, I'm blaming the 90's. See all the big stinker makers were out of the biz or out of their prime by 1996. Cannon was done and Carolco was on its way. DTV was on the rise as you could crap out a turd on a budget and distribute globally for a song. So the studios just wanted to start turning fast bucks and having passion for your project wasn't a benefit, it was a hinderance. What business did Richard Martin even have directing a film? Well, he said he could do it and do it fast. That's all it took for it to get a green light. 
The problem with it and say the same film made 5-10 years prior, is there was a hope that if you did a good enough job, if you worked hard enough, if you believed it what you were doing enough the execs in their ties would see you and give you a Brandon Lee shot. Its the American Dream right? Well sorry, but that doesn't exist. So instead you've got no one giving a crap in the writing ("just redo Beverly Hills Cop, again") and no one behind the camera caring either. It's not that anyone screwed up, it just is that no one had the opportunity to screw up either. Which sorry, makes for boring film for our niche AND the big films that go on to win Oscar gold. You must have some spark of passion and care for art. Otherwise, its just a toaster or a '15 Toyota Camry. Your film is now an appliance.