Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

The Black Hole - Plot can't escape it

A couple trash-cans team-up to assist in the destruction of many soulless husks all on a mission that is never stated all so the villain can become Dante and rule all of hell from inside of a Cylon.
While that sounds absolutely nutty, we hope that you're able to get to any of those points because this movie's primary problem is...zzz...zzz. Oh I'm sorry, just thinking about this film put me to sleep like warm milk. It's painfully boring. Once you get past the excellent model work (that doesn't have enough shots), the spectacular theme by John Barry (which you're done with after the first 3 times you hear it) and Robert Forster just being Robert Forster (a damn pro), you're left with endless exposition, painful banter between the robots, a completely up-his-own-ass villain just for the sake of it and tedium. Endless tedium.
However, the last 15 minutes of the film are absolutely bonkers. We got very little clue here guys about what the actually hell happened once the (of course) everyone goes into the black hole. For some wild reason, Disney decided to cram some Dante's Inferno and conceptual imagery of heaven (we think) and have absolutely no idea why. If someone could help us out in the WHY, not the what, we'd be thankful.
Besides the bore factor, the film breaks its own rules constantly, the whole thing is the idiot-plot (whole plot could have been avoided had just one character not been an idiot), and the acting (aside from Forster and he's just doing what he can with what he's got to work with) is atrociously over-the-top. Which would all be fine and enjoyable if you'd managed to stay awake. Skip this one.

Beyond the Law - Beyond the Bananas

Charlie Sheen puts on his tough guy face and then realizes he still has that Charlie Sheen face, so he runs with it. Here Topper Harley gets a little too close to the edge, in much hilarious fashion.
So the film's plot (while LOOSELY based off the real life Dan Black) is a pretty conventional "cop goes undercover and almost goes over the point of no return" but the manner in which its delivered makes for a pretty solid LOL time while adding in a lot of room for riffing. There's this juxtaposition between going dark and goofball humor that completely conflict with each other, making a weird tone to the entire experience. 
This is all just backdrop for Chaz. Wow, what a terrible cast. Here's the thing. Everyone up until about 1995 saw Platoon and said, "I can do that. I just need to cast the weakest part of that movie." So this is just more of that, but it's hilarious. He's so bumbling in his lines and when he finally goes too close to edge and freaks out its about as good as you or I could do and we stink at acting, friend.
Next to his performance is the cast of characters surrounding Dan. Everyone's a little too nutty/inept to have made it to where they are in life. His love interest should be named Red Flag, his best friend tries to kill him for education, his nemesis is a kingpin of the drug industry and spends his free time robbing convenience stores for some Whatchamacallits and lives in a trailer and his government handler will let you spit in his face so meet the FBI Director. It's great!
Thus making it not stinker gold but 100% a good Sunday recommendation from us.

The Three Musketeers - Mwahahh, The French

Once upon a time in Hollywood, we made movies around soundtracks and the movie took a second place in effort. At the height of that craze, we were left with this malarkey and the legend of Chris O'Donnell was born.
Let's get this out of the way; we've come a long way since swashbuckling was big and there's good reason. It stinks. Think of watching Henry Cavill mess a bunch of guys up in an alley during the first season of The Witcher. It's badass. Swashbuckling is not. "Yes, but the kiddies can't exactly watch The Witcher split a man's head in half with a silver sword, now can they? Oh wise podcast critic! Haha!" Charlie Sheen might say. Ok, well then think of Viggo Mortensen fighting orcs at the Battle of Helm's Deep, you winning bastard! Swash-buckling is a complete waste of time.
Yet this movie is soooo full of it. There's very little else going on here that doesn't involve either poorly timed jokes and proper fencing footwork. And it's all lackluster. Sadly, on a revisit The Three Musketeers doesn't quite work. It's more of a tedious affair which tries to rely on the same jokes and sequences over and over. There's no movement - it's just a flat line that suddenly stops for the credits - which further enforces the film just being a vehicle to get to a terrible song to play during the credits.
This is a sad pass for me and a barely do from my other co-hosts. Enter at your own risk and only bring a group of quality riffers along with you.

Cats - Reverse Furie Conversion Therapy

It's bonkers-bad, sure. It's basically kitty version of Logan's Run, sure. It's got a cat-orgy scene, sure. It looks like crap, sure. But what the heck is the difference between this and the stage play? What did you people think was gonna happen here? Also Tay-Tay blows ass here.
Guys, it's just Cats. The stage play IS this bad. It's all crap. If you hate the movie and love the play, then put your head in a microwave if you can pull it out of your own ass. What did you want here? In fact, you should LOVE the movie because it's even MORE of the crap that you love from the play. Get the hell out of here.
Now for the rest of us, that weren't dropped as a baby. This is some real terrible film-making and likely an intentional tax loss. There's no way anyone that has ever worked a day before in the industry believed in this turd. That's not to say no one did a good job here. Francesa Hayward is absolutely brilliant but is strapped down (maybe in more ways than one) and surrounded by ineptitude so it's hard to notice what she's doing. You may also be distracted by her cat butt.
There I said it. I'll take the bullet here. Cats is intentionally hot sexy business. If it wasn't then why the hell are they marching a bunch of naked crotches out? Why is there a cat orgy? Why is Sir Ian Mckellan wearing clothes but Idris Elba is not? Same for Dame Judi and not Tay-Tay? This is hot furies business and I promise you someone is going to jail after being caught in the theater with a little too much alone time.
At the end of it all, should you check it out? Yes - but wait for streaming. It can be a great theater experience - it was for 2 of us but the last person had such a miserable time that it's just too risky for you. Save it and wait until it's free for you to access.

Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 - The Story of Ricky

MERRY GARBAGE DAY! Eric Freeman earns his mark in the Stinker hall of fame in his eyebrow-tastic take on the Santa-obsessed killer maniac. If you can get past seeing SNDN 1 as well, you're in for a wild, holly-jolly horror film.
Let's be frank, there's not enough good crap in Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 to make it a cult hit on its own. It's the combination of the masterful Eric Freeman and Ricky's insane rampage that makes the rest of the film not matter and send it into many, many fan favorite "Christmas" cult classics. Eric's performance stands among titans and belongs among the elites of Tommy and Connie Young. It's beautiful.
If the entire movie had just been Ricky and Doc Henry locked in a room slinging their bonkers egos around for an hour and a half would have worked for us as well. Instead the first 40 minutes is mostly just a recap of the first movie, but told in such a poorly thought-out manner that it carries you through to when the Story of Ricky begins. Once that happens the rails completely come off and expect a Miami Connectionesque shift in tempo of the film.
Without a doubt, if we'd been given just the Story of Ricky for the entire length of the film, this would be a Hall of Fame worthy masterpiece. While we didn't get that Christmas wish Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 is an absolute blast and a total do for us. Enjoy your Garbage Day!

Santa Claus: The Podcast

Boardroom Santa! Ever been really into the business of Santa? Have a passion for Operations Management? Got a degree in holly jolly marketing? Wear a tie with your pajamas? Well this movie is for you! Just not for anyone else.
For the rest of us Santa Claus: The Movie is about as interesting as a government made educational training video. Its just painfully boring. "Santa has a meeting with Jeff and Susie from accounting! Oh boy would I like to see that!" he said sarcastically. "The elves meet in the conference room for a call with the supply department! Wowee!!!!" he said while shoving his head in trash.
The antagonist (John Lithgow) seriously doesn't show up until the 60% completion mark which makes the first hour and fifteen minutes completely devoid of plot and then we he DOES show up it's a series of groan-inducing jokes and Santa being a mopey butthole because apparently he's the only one that can give toys to children for free.
Lastly, this film does an excellent job of showcasing what an awful person Santa (this version - not Santa in general you people about to accuse me of a war on Christmas) is. He is content to give starving children wooden toys instead of maybe food, or a home, or curing their diseases or stopping dictators from murdering their family or shoes even. Nope wooden toys is the only thing that children want - according to Santa. "Wait, they want things that aren't wooden toys?" Santa says at some point (paraphrasing). "But...but...then no one loves me! Boooo hooo hooo hoo" Ugh. You suck Santa.
Santa Claus: The Movie is only for people who care only for the pageantry of Christmas and not at all about the meaning of Christmas. It stinks!

Santa With Muscles - Vigisantaism

Good ol' Terry Hogan becomes Santa the Vigilante and fights a group of scientists who want to demolish an orphanage and then proceeds to do all the demolishing for them. Good job, Santa!
Santa with Muscles is bottom 100 material yet it's surprisingly fun. However, I can't really tell you why. At no point is anything so bad that its good. The action is all kind of meh, the set pieces are all underdeveloped, the villains never really enter the realm of over-the-top hammy. It's ALL super stupid but there's just something kind of nice about the whole viewing experience. It's just a weird little piece of garbage that's a "do" but can't really be explained.
The one thing we can say about it that doesn't fail is that's actually a Christmas movie. Most of them that we deal with end up having no Christmas message and just take place during Christmas for the sake of selling DVDs. Santa with Muscles is CHOCK full of Christmas. Arguably it's the most full of Christmas of any movie we've reviewed.
Perhaps that's why it works. You can't really define what the true meaning of Christmas is but you know it when you see it. Much is the same here and so when you see it, you know you kind of liked it but can't really say why.

The Peanut Butter Solution - Our most nonsensical to date

Happy 400th episode to us and we go big this week with a perfect Nonsensical November pick.
It's a truly baffling experience that is nearly impossible to dissect but does feature a bevvy of bonkers content from start to finish. Arguably, no other movie is so far from being grounded in reality that this is an absolute must-watch for fans of nonsensical plots.
With any mention of The Peanut Butter Solution, it can't be understated how bonkers the plot is. Essentially a child goes into a haunted house, gets so frightened that his hair comes out and then goes on a quest to get his hair to grow back. That all sounds fine and good for a Saturday afternoon made-for-tv kid's movie but this pile is SOOO much more than that. While it really can't be written here, the plot is absolutely unfathomable and is completely off the rails.
While the plot is bananas, it's not the only portion of this film that is nanners. The acting is at about 12 throughout by the lead, Michael (played by Mathew Mackay), his father (played by Michael Hogan from BSG fame) and the films "villain" Senor (Michel Maillot). Imagine Nic Cage at his Cageyest but without any of the talent. 
Tack on some unintelligible dialogue, a clash of good and bad production design, some horrendously bad directing advice ("Children love surrealism, right?"), Celine Dion and a possible crime-ring of children kidnappers to exploit the art industry and you've got a seriously excellent bad movie. Do not miss this movie.

King Ralph - Worse than being Henry VIII's wife

Inside lives a truly great film that delves into commentary about what it means to be a leader, the sacrifices one must make for their people, that no one should be judged by their appearance, and that anyone can truly be great. Unfortunately, it's all thrown aside for the sake of groan-inducing hi-jinx and jingoism. Yay....
King Ralph is a debacle. It's a horrendous stain on film-making and for only one reason - the "comedy". Imagine a mash-up of The King's Speech and C.H.O.M.P.S. and then throw your popcorn into the toilet and replace it with burnt toast. That's your cinematic viewing experience here. It's atrociously annoying, horrendously offensive at points and trips over it's own wit to pickup a pratfall. Expect your living room to be as silent as all of England when they learned Hollywood planned to eliminate the entire Royal Family in effigy.
Despite all that, there does live a truly great film inside of King Ralph, it's just hard to see. The acting is spectacular (a monument should be erected in every city, town and village to Sir Peter O' Toole), Goodman is TRULY funny when he's allowed to be by the stifling hi-jinx, and the production design is top notch. Remnants of the source material (the more satirical elements, at least) still manage to come across and still hold weight. They are just mired down by all the gags to keep this thing from being "good".
It's still a do, but it's not a do in the classic sense of a bad movie. It's the "good" in this film that you'll want to watch it for. The "bad" is like sticking your head in the garbage can.

Rambo: Last Blood - Better Kill Them Twice

Rambo rides off into the sunset (or dies in a pool of blood) but takes many, many, many people down with him on the way. It's a bloody, sticky, mess that will fall into the either love-it or hate-it folly.
So let's get this out of the way first - Rambo: Last Blood looks like absolute crap. Whomever shot this should be sacked. Very few shots look even as good as most DTV films and each vehicle scene features completely unnecessary rear-projection. Why in the hell does this have to look so awful?
Secondly, it's biggest flaw for Rambo fans is a particular scene that, yes, sets up the plot but is SO far out of character and John's skills and how he's managed all of his strategies that is just so out of place and dumb that may ruin the next twenty minutes of the film for you.
However, if you can get past those two things, this thing is hot crap. At no point does John turn into "I'm getting too old for this" or even a Gran Turinoesque Clint Eastwood. John craves and thrives when there is trouble to be had and it doesn't matter how old he gets. There's some decent dialogue that reinforces how John looks at the world and then how he proceeds to end bad guy's lives. It's a blast. 
It should also be mentioned that Stallone is great here. He's just as action packed as he always has been. He doesn't look like doing this will cause him to spend a week covered in Ben-Gay and at no point does he seem to be a lover of Worther's Originals. When he punches a guy, it seems like it will hurt real bad or possibly cause his fist to enter your body in holes you didn't have before. 
So while it has a few issues, it's still a blast and if you come into a Rambo film expecting to see something else here, we're not sure what you're doing with your life. It's a do.