Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

Theodore Rex - Careers going extinct in real-time

In a futuristic world, an evil billionaire recreates the dinosaurs (making them small, have normal arms, and recovering carnivores) and then hatches a villainous plan to wipe out all life on Earth, creating a utopia of dinos and humans - so just like the current status in the movie. WTF is this POS?
Theodore Rex is insufferable. At no point in its incoherent rambling is a modicum of enjoyment to be had. It's baffling yet it hurts your brain. It's fast-paced, yet nothing is moving the plot forward. It's got incredibly bad production design, but what happens in the foreground is so painful that you can't mind everything in the background. The acting is awful, the costumes are amateur, the "jokes" are "huh"-inducing. Yet all that takes a back seat to how atrocious the screenplay is. This falls into the "we are talking like you, Earth human. All your base are belong to us!" category of writing. 
While it's one of the biggest POS in history, it's just too insufferable to recommend. We absolutely hated it and just wanted it to end. It's truly one of the bottom 3 movies we've reviewed on the show. Stay away, all.

Picasso Trigger - More boobs but less Abilene

Andy Sidaris once again dials the nonsense up to about 50 and matches that number with topless women. This time the LETHAL team has to deal with some internal double-crossing or triple-crossing, we're very confused on how many crossings happen here. 
We've seen that a lot of the reviews online for the 4th film in the LETHAL collection (this one proves that Seven is part of the franchise) that this one isn't good. There's no giant snake gimic, not as crazy stunts, and a much crappier version of the Malibu Express. Those points are all correct however, this is still a great time and as far as we can see has only one extreme drawback - the continuing degradation of the Abilene's in quality. Travis Abilene is the worst. He's just scummy. The actor belongs on the bad guy team - not among the coolest guys of all time. He stinks.
Picasso Trigger is a lot more complex than the previous three films with a very convoluted plot and that may have been a major shift in how Andy and Arlene made their booby-movies. There may have been too much to get hung-up on and that may have distracted everyone from the formula that worked so well in the previous three. We'll see if the Sidaris ship corrects itself in Savage Beach. 
With that disclaimer, Picasso Trigger is still a do and one of the best riffers you can pick up.

Who Killed Captain Alex? - Also, who was Captain Alex?

From Wakaliwood comes Uganda's first action movie! This is Uganda! Yeah Yeah Yeah Okay! Commandos! Tiger Mafia! Tiger Mafia Commandos! VJ Emmie on the mic! So yeah, we make fun of it.
Who Killed Captain Alex is one of the cleverly disguised as crap, but actually smarter b-movies we've reviewed on the show. We found the plot to be fairly conventional while watching the movie until the last 3 frames and we released that we had been duped. This was no common hyper-budget action movie. Nothing out of Vietnam, Philippines, or Mexico writes like this. Its absolutely riffing on the entire genre in the vain of The OP, Turbo-Kid, and Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter. The hook is so subtle despite it being the title of the damn movie.
Nothing looks as good as Who Killed Captain Alex does....on a $200 budget. The film-makers REALLY stretched their budget and that is completely part of its charm. Admiring their costumes, props (especially the guns that they craft from found-materials) and the sets is all part of the experience and puts a small on the face of anyone who has tried to make their own budget movie.
The VERY best part of enjoying CA is how much fun everyone involved is having. Its clear that underneath any acting face is a giant grin. Everyone is having a blast at making this movie and it's well deserved that its now seen across the globe. Fantastic.
We have 1 warning - VJ Emmie (the Video Hall riffer that runs throughout the film) is a little tough to take at first, but by the end of the movie, you learn the experience wouldn't be the same without him. 
Thanks Wakaliwood!

Burlesque - a 10 on mediocrity!

A mediocre talent finds inspiration in an over-the-hill mentor and in doing so makes a nightclub successful. So Xanadu...right? Actually, it's also Chicago, Moulin Rouge and Coyote Ugly. Thanks Troy from Goonies!
Let's face it, gang. Burlesque is about 30 minutes too long and suffers from the typical drag of poorly thought out projects - there's too many subplots and no main plot. While most of them are just meh, one subplot is insufferable - the romance. What's her name Aquafina falls in love with her (seriously gay) roommate/coworker. And their relationship is like watching paint dry, then become acid and fly into your face. It is intolerably uninteresting until it causes you physical pain.
The songs don't fit the theme (they are pop hits, not the cabaret/vaudeville that fits with burlesque dancing). The dancing is pretty bland. The costumes are about as burlesque as a road stop strip joint and they are too few anyways. I can't understand why the signing/dancing movie fan would ever like this. I'd be pissed. It's like Batman Returns - a Batman movie with no Batman.
There's nothing here for anyone. Steer clear.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Robotrix - Amazon Prime
Nightmare Weekend - Amazon Prime
Attack of the Puppet People w/ Rifftrax - Amazon Prime

Batman & Robin - It's the children's fault

After years of steering well clear of one of the most notoriously bad movies of all time, we finally tackle the most butt and crotch heavy superhero movie ever made. Clooney brings the turtle-neck and somehow manages to not push Robin and Bat-Girl off the rooftops. Is it possible this isn't the torture-fest we expected?
In short - yes! It isn't the torture-fest we expected. We actually had quite a bit of fun with this turd. Don't take us incorrectly, this is a travesty, but after 22 years its inching itself into the "so bad its good" category. There's just so much wrong with it that really the only thing holding it back is Robin & Batgirl who are painfully annoying. If the movie had just been Clooney blowing it and Schwaz just hamming it up, it might be in the hall of fame.
Unfortunately, you are stuck with the corporate toys of Robin & Batgirl.
The pacing here is good, so you're not stuck wallowing in boredom. The set-pieces are ridiculous. The writing is over-the-top hammy. The acting is terribly entertaining. The makeup, the costumes, the hair all are laughably terrible. All that adds up to being hated by all at it's release but now makes for a great laugh.
Go back and do this one over - it's not epic, but it definitely can start to be enjoyed for it's crumminess.

Angels' Brigade - Or is it Revenge?

A super-elite team of hot ladies formulate to take down all of the drugs in the US. Instead they get a high school teacher kidnapped, a teenager shot and possibly killed, ruin a man's salesman career, and watch a man get eaten by a dog all so they can take down roving tampon salesman. Seven From Heaven indeed!
Man, when you line up movies from the late 70s this is strikes all the bells. A hot van with rockets, machine guns and a dirt bike with machine guns on it in the back - check. Busty ladies with no bras kicking ass - check. Drunk Peter Lawford - check. A winded Jack Palance chasing Darby Hinton over patios - check. Explosions, explosions, explosions - check! So why isn't this in the top 10 greatest bad movies ever?
Well...a its PG...weirdly. The opening shootout is like a GI JOE episode; hot lead is flying everywhere but not one person manages to get shot or sploded. There's little left to the imagination with the chests due to very loose shirts and no bras, but there is 0 nudity. Then there's plenty of "comedy" foley work when people jump or punch guys. A little live-action cartooning that we all hate so much. Why did they choose to shoot for PG in a drive-thru movie? The PGness doesn't fit and drops it down a couple stars for sure.
Then there is 2 absolutely unnecessary and boring scenes that account for about 20 minutes (the Nazis and the beach scene). Those are eyeroll-heavy and unfortunate.
Outside of those factors, this thing is hot trash. For its problems, there is a ton more good here to make up for them. It's faults keep it out of the greatest bad movies ever, but it's strengths would have got it in the discussion at least. So this is a must-do from us.

Hard Cash - Hard Pass

When you must put your slowly dieing career into the dumpster forever, the fast path is to team up with Christian Slater in a crime-caper. A band of bozos get caught in an dirty FBI sting and must steal all the gold for themselves...and they only thing stopping them is their own idiocy.
We'll start by saying that this ALMOST has something. There's bookends of banana business but that squishy look-warm middle bit drags it back into the depths of quite not interesting. Despite it having the worst produced car chases, worse than SNL rear-projection, Verne Troyer in a toilet with a dart-gun, Val Kilmer giving his belief in his characters one last try, and Bill Forysthe in a washing machine, there's just not enough fun here to put it in the do column.
It's almost like it doesn't know what it wants to be - either a screwball bumbling crime gang movie or a hard-boiled heist movie with lots of betrayal and twists. 
And then there is Jose. At 3 points in time, an apparent unrelated passerby becomes either "comedy" or a very strange and unclear metaphor. If someone could explain Jose to us, we'd be grateful.
Sadly, we must say - do not.

Batman Forever - More butts and nipples!

It's raining bats! Hallelujah! Nothing needs a little sexy sprinkled into it like Batman. Joel Schumacher decides that what the masses want to see are a bunch of butts in spandex. Now with nipples!
Batman Forever is a bit of a pill to swallow. Going from the very pale and stark Tim Burton films to this is a complete 180 shift. It's bright, vivid, colorful, loud, and filled with butts. It's like Ricky Martin was a technical adviser. Some might have a serious issue with this.
But I ask you one thing to consider upon revisit - is Batman: The Movie not much the same? We see this more of a sequel to the Adam West Batman than anything that Tim Burton or DC Comics had put before it. Under that perspective it's really hard to decide if Schumacher failed there.
Is it dumb? Oh yeah. Is it poorly acted? Somewhat, it's a 50/50 split between the good guys and bad guys. Is the writing atrocious? You betcha. But is it generally fun? Is it a fast 2 hours? Does it have Batman (see Batman Returns) - yes, yes and yes this is a Batman movie!
Whether it stinks or not is up for debate, but that really is for you to decide for yourself. It walks a very tight rope between being a crummy movie or a wild experiment that succeeds in its goals. We tend to lean towards not stinking.

I Believe in Santa Claus - I don't believe this movie, though

"When the leader of the African rebels starts to interrogate Santa Claus and his fairy friend - " is the start of a sentence that someone must say after watching this film. Shortly afterwards it's "then his kids grab some guns to free Santa from the rebels". WTF?
I Believe in Santa Claus (or J'ai rencontré le Père Noël in the original French) is a baffling film that turns out is just a vehicle for soundtrack sales that led to a Milli Vanilli situation - so possibly story took a pretty big back seat. Little can be said about it that will do the viewing experience justice. It's absolutely insane AND a Christmas movie. 
What we find with it, is that it could easily be your next annual Xmas movie. It's fun, it's stupid, its crazy, and there's a little something for everyone - including you Dad. This is must see viewing for any fan of bad movies during the usually unviewable Christmas movie season.

Deck the Halls - Your dick is out

When it comes to the Christmas Flop, there's not too many floppier than 2006's Deck the Halls. I could be the groan-inducing jokes, the two one-time (and future) A-listers with their careers on the skids, or the really cliche and played plot. But mostly it's just that you hate the characters and want them to explode in a ball of fire.
Both of these men are horrible people. Which works great in a forum like Always Sunny but not so much in the yearly family outing at the movie theater with the cousins from Des Moines. Both Steve and Buddy are completely unlikable from the start - frame 1. You can't do that. When you have this plot (Dads take things too far!) you need at least your protagonist to be both likable and identifiable so that when the dads shake hands and treat each other with respect at the end, you have a location to return your character to with the viewer. This doesn't have it. Steve's a dick at the beginning and middle and end.
Aside from your disgust with the two people you have to watch for the next hour and half, the gags are awful and the jokes are poorly presented and delivered. Nothing is funny (aside from one unintentional laugh brought to you by a different movie playing in one scene). So there's nothing good here guys. Steer clear.