Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

I Believe in Santa Claus - I don't believe this movie, though

"When the leader of the African rebels starts to interrogate Santa Claus and his fairy friend - " is the start of a sentence that someone must say after watching this film. Shortly afterwards it's "then his kids grab some guns to free Santa from the rebels". WTF?
I Believe in Santa Claus (or J'ai rencontré le Père Noël in the original French) is a baffling film that turns out is just a vehicle for soundtrack sales that led to a Milli Vanilli situation - so possibly story took a pretty big back seat. Little can be said about it that will do the viewing experience justice. It's absolutely insane AND a Christmas movie. 
What we find with it, is that it could easily be your next annual Xmas movie. It's fun, it's stupid, its crazy, and there's a little something for everyone - including you Dad. This is must see viewing for any fan of bad movies during the usually unviewable Christmas movie season.

Deck the Halls - Your dick is out

When it comes to the Christmas Flop, there's not too many floppier than 2006's Deck the Halls. I could be the groan-inducing jokes, the two one-time (and future) A-listers with their careers on the skids, or the really cliche and played plot. But mostly it's just that you hate the characters and want them to explode in a ball of fire.
Both of these men are horrible people. Which works great in a forum like Always Sunny but not so much in the yearly family outing at the movie theater with the cousins from Des Moines. Both Steve and Buddy are completely unlikable from the start - frame 1. You can't do that. When you have this plot (Dads take things too far!) you need at least your protagonist to be both likable and identifiable so that when the dads shake hands and treat each other with respect at the end, you have a location to return your character to with the viewer. This doesn't have it. Steve's a dick at the beginning and middle and end.
Aside from your disgust with the two people you have to watch for the next hour and half, the gags are awful and the jokes are poorly presented and delivered. Nothing is funny (aside from one unintentional laugh brought to you by a different movie playing in one scene). So there's nothing good here guys. Steer clear.

Batman Returns - Without Batman!

Well if Die Hard is an Xmas Movie well so is this turd. Batman makes his debut on the show, yet manages to avoid being in the Batman movie. Catwoman is the un-sexy. Walkan doesn't Walkan out and Danny Devito gets thrown under the bus. Everything people think about this film is wrong.
First off, and here's you breaking point - BATMAN ISN'T IN THE BATMAN MOVIE!!! At the 1 hour mark, Batman has only been in the "Batman" movie for 123 seconds. 
Second off, Catwoman is sold hard to be sexy. But she's really really not. I mean there's a certain level of crazy that people will put up with if it's hot stuff but her nuttiness is over-the-top. She's boner-reducing. (see the "sexy" cat bath scene and then really analyze your definition of sexy)
Then there's the penguins. The Penguin himself has very dubious motivations (end game is to murder all the children? Then what?). He's literally a penguin, man when he never needs to be. He gets a Jungle Book like origin story except take Mowgli out of the jungle, put him under the zoo in the sewers and change his parents from wolves to penguins?!?! And you people don't question this?!?!? Why are there thousands of penguins living in the sewer?!?
Despite all the stupidity and poor decisions, Batman Returns is just kinda boring. There's far too much unnecessary dialogue, inter-personal drama exposition, origin stories, "crime" meetings, poopy-faces and penguin meetups. Take your 80% on Rotten Tomatoes and shove it. You're wrong.

The Happening - No One Knows

The film that puts you directly into the mind of the characters and the writer/director at the same time - you'll feel confusion and without direction. By the end you'll be giving the same answer as the movie - "I don't know!"
Not even M. Knight can say what this movie is directly about. Ask him 6 different times and you'll get 6 different answers. One could put this into the sub-genre of disaster movies, but please, someone tell us definitively what the disaster is. The best that can be done is "The trees take revenge on man for invading their environment" but that just opens up more questions that can only be answered with "I don't know!" The on-screen scientists can only say "I don't know". Wahlburg never figures out what's going on and repeatedly says "I don't know". We don't know!
Despite a few glimmers of ridiculousness, the film is pretty damn boring and consists mostly of people walking while no one has a clue what is going on. There's dialogue piled upon other dialogue just there to tell us "See! These are real Earth people." There's nothing happening that moves the story forward, only reinforcing that Shyamalyan had no clue what to do with this pile of crap.
Steer clear. There's just nothing here.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Mindwarp - Amazon Prime
Maniac - Amazon Prime
Merlin: The Return - Amazon Prime

Howard the Duck - Are duck-boobs rated R?

It's been a long time coming and it's now finally time to delve into the complexities of the dark comedy/action thriller about a duck, man. George Lucas puts on his producer hat and then proceeds to lose all the money.
Howard the Duck is one of the hardest films we've ever had to review. Not because its that hard to watch (although it's chock full of groan worthy moments), but just because it's so hard to determine what the heck it is. Is it a kids movie? Is it a comedy? What's the moral or the point, really? It's just very hard to define and that makes ones expectations pretty hard to narrow down. I've tried to use our blog tag system to give some single words as to what it is - yet the only thing I can come up with is that it's an 80's movie.
The effects, the audio, Tim Robbins, and the animatronics are all top-tier performances but they disappear behind Munchie-levels of hyjinx. Once again the word comes to haunt a film and put it into the realms of the bottom 100 films. Just when you're finally about to relax and stop screaming at the idiocy before you, Howard gets into yet another series of buffoonery that make you want to break your remote between your teeth.
Yet, on the grand scale of things it's really not that bad - but it's not very good either. The main obstacle or barrier to entry is that this film is truly for no one. There's no one we can recommend this film to. Nobody. It's not that you're going to be bored or even that annoyed, it's just who the hell is this for????
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child
Puppetmaster 3: Toulon's Revenge

The Charles Bronson Unspectacular

Justin and Sam fly solo with Jackie being served Brundle-Steak in St. Louis. Instead of bumping Sam's segment week after week, he's getting his own show to discuss 15 Charles Bronson movies - hope you like guys that don't act!
Bronson Reviews - ALL on Amazon Prime
Farewell, Friend
Rider in the Rain
The Mechanic
Mr. Majestyk
Death Wish (again)
Love and Bullets
Death Wish II (again)
10 to Midnight
The Evil That Men Do
Death Wish 3 (again)
Death Wish 4: The Crackdown
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Skyscraper - Rental Services
The Escape Plan 2 - Netflix
Martial Law - Amazon Prime
Martial Law II - Amazon Prime

Howling II: Wait..hold on. MY Sister's a Werewolf?

Buckle up for banana business as were-monkey-wolves try to throw a killer birthday party. Every body is invited. Leave your head at the door. It'll be a bloody good time. Ok..well unless Christopher Lee and some townies are party-crashers. Then you'll get shot up pretty good.
When you put Reb Brown next to Sir Christopher Lee, and then have a bunch of guys in Planet of the Apes costumes pretend (or not?) be werewolves, you're destined to have a mind-boggling mess on your hands. This thing is bafflingly bad. The events that transpire are sorta clear, but why they happen is absolutely nonsense. Best we can determine is that a lady's birthday orgy gets interrupted because he brother shows up.
It's gory as hell, hilarious from the opening frames, chock full of nudity, awful one-liners (from the forever wooden Reb), 80's new wave, insanely uncomfortable costumes and plenty of terrible acting and dialogue. Howling II is exactly what one signs up for in enjoying bad movies.

Exorcist II: The Heretic - Satan is a nepotistic boss

Six (count them - SIX!) Oscar nominated actors took a look at this garbage script and STILL signed up to do it. It's absolutely nonsensical. It's painfully boring. And it ALL sucks butt. Blech.
It's like they tried to say something in this film but had no idea what that was before they reached the end of the writing, so they just crammed in a bunch of nonsense to try to make a statement. If anyone can decipher what that statement is....
The acting stinks but not in a fun way. It looks like garbage but not in a fun way. In fact, I'm over this POS. I don't want to talk about it any more.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Prom Night - Amazon Prime
Spy Hard - Netflix
Sleepaway Camp - Amazon Prime

The Midnight Man

A couple ding-dongs find a box with some stuff in it, so their only choice is to summon a crappy version of Slender Man and have him chase them around until 3:33am. Meanwhile you've got Grandma upstairs complaining about the trouble-makers in Selma, absolutely no reward if you beat the game, and a villain with dubious intentions. Hope you all like lengthy rules!
Soooo many rules! The length of the rules of summoning Midnight Man need to have a team of professional editors go through them. You might run out of ink in your printer. BUT there's a myriad of holes within them. For instance, Midnight Man will leave you alone after 3:33am. Is that GST? What time measurement system is he going by? Will a sundial work? Or can you just use your cell-phone? What about time-zones? What happens if someone else summons Midnight Man in Italy and Chicago? What's he do when he's NOT summoned?
I mean the level of bullcrap is seriously leaps and bounds past Slender Man (which is about a 9 on the bullcrap scale).
Aside from that the acting is garbage, the pacing is impossibly slow, the "big scares" are eyeball roll worthy, the characters are dubious (See "Doctor's Apprentice") and the Midnight Man is pretty lame from a design standpoint. There's NOTHING here.
We can't think of one group of people to recommend this to at all. This is an avoid at all cost, POS.

The Return of Swamp Thing - You got owned, Wes

How do you follow up Wes Craven's directing? You call Jim Wynorski? And he totally shows Wes how its done? Wow. Fan-Fave Jim showcases how you have fun with a failed superhero property. Replace Zach Snyder right now, DC!
The polarization between the two versions of Swamp Thing is night and day. It's known within the first 15 seconds as shown by the opening scroll:
"Once upon a time....in the swamp!"
Boom.
Then 8 minutes later we get a real vision of what we are in for - a Swamp Thing costume that looks good filled with a dude that is a) confident in his coolness, b) stupid charming. You know he's giving a thumbs-up at some point. What is happening?
The production level in the sequel gets a massive bump as well, from the sets to makeup, the lighting, cinematography, explosions, sound design....everything but the acting. Bad acting? Well yes, but it so works here. Fun is the top priority for not just the viewer but those involved on the set as well. Marlon Brando School of Method Acting takes a back seat and that's a good thing.
The whole film is an absolute blast with hot-pacing, fun jokes, way over-the-top action, great costumes and makeup, sexy ladies, ridiculous villains, a couple precocious scamps, awful acting, and some very subtle cinematography and special effects that reinforce the talent of one Jim Wynorski. This one can't be missed. Expect to see this again in Year in Review.
There is a very small occasional click in the audio of this episode. Adobe Audition isn't a great program. It's really small and you may not even notice it, but we want to apologize for it in advance.