Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

Con Air - More like Butt Hair

Welcome to Con Air, your number one airlines if you are super butt. Like Nickelback? You'll love Con Air. Like penis measuring? Con Air is your favorite. Think Jerry Bruckheimer is a good producer, kiss our collective ass. This movie sucks.
The movie is about the impossible. Going to prison for a crime that you wouldn't get charged with, Cage's Alabama accent, his hair, the concept of the prison plane, Colm Meaney having a job, and the lack of geographical understanding. None of it works. The villain's plan doesn't make a lick of sense and the "good" guys plans don't help. Even Nic Cage's "Cameron Poe" breaks his own rules for the sake of "action".
So we're big action fans. Does this movie have good action? Nope. Too much slow motion and shirtless guys trying to look cool. Does it have a lot of action? Nope. There's a disparaging lack of anything happening in this film. This is supposed to be a "roller-coaster ride". I remember roller-coasters being exciting for the entire time. This really only has two 10 minute actions sequences which amounts to 17% of the movie. If you went on a roller-coaster that only got up to speed 17% of the time, you probably wouldn't be thrilled.
Then there's the music. It's wall to wall shit. If Nickelback had a baby with Toby Keith then you've got this soundtrack. Its inescapable. Take a look at Cage's hair and you can paint the three-chord guitar in your mind.
It's fairly uneventful and completely moronic but it's worth checking out on a revisit ONLY for the sake of realizing how really really bad it is. Otherwise, you've got better things to do with your time.

Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

When corporations that can't exist go to far, they anger Mother Nature. Her herald of corporate oversight, a 100 foot dinosaur shark and sexual innuendos! Can it possibly be the worst shark movie ever made?
Shark Attack 3 is next to Troll 2 in the ensemble of horrible acting. Everyone stinks. Even Captain Jack Harness who has seen a splash of success can't get a line right without the audience giggling. His counterpart, Dr. Science Lips, is especially horrendous and only is defeated by the daughter in said Troll 2 in the can't act department. Show up for the bad acting, stay for the banana's shark.
Then there's the shark. It should be noted that the main shark doesn't show up for quite a chunk of the film. Yet, when it does...boy howdy! If I described the megaladon's battle strategy, it wouldn't do it justice in righting. You have to see it to believe it, which can't be believed.
Unfortunately for Shark Attack 3, there is just too many pieces of the film that take too long and nothing happens. It's pretty easy to fall asleep with the extended shots of people standing around looking for the shark. If it wasn't for the snooze sequences, this thing would be electric shit on fire. However, its too few and far between of anything happening that it just isn't that great. Still a do from us though.

Fate of the Furious - Bonkers requested and delivered

Dom and the gang are back to wow theater audiences with "Over the Top: The Franchise" and doesn't disappoint in the bonkers business department. Everything is more, more, MORE!!!
Let's put it this way. One member of the show risked peeing her pants because she couldn't miss a second of this film. One member jumped out of his seat and just said, "Fuck....." I was personally jumping up and down in my seat with glee. There's no excuse for the low reviews of this film...except for the main reason for the low reviews of this film....it's really stupid. The entire plot is so dumb, Dom is ridiculous, the action is insanely ridiculous.
But here's the deal. ALL these films are that way. ALL of them. Yet you review them like their frickin' Grapes of Wrath! You loved 6 and 7, yet you have no love for this one, which is JUST the goddamn same! It's more of the same and that's what we wanted. You can't hate on this one without hating on all the others because your beefs apply to all of them. Quite being assholes! (I'm looking at you Matt Singer)
It's not just action-packed, it's genuinely funny. The Rock steals the comedy show and even Tyrese doesn't scream "Punch ME!!!" throughout. Then there's the chemistry between the cast. Despite the drama with Vin and Dwayne, I'm not buying it. These people work well together and it shows on screen. I love these characters. They are a part of me.
Please keep making these. Hollywood and at least 3 people with a bad movie podcast need them.

Year 3 in Review: Part 2

Its our third year anniversary and we are cranking out another episode where we recap the best bad movies we've seen in the last year. So happy anniversary to us and we look forward to another year of fine film choosing. This episode we each countdown our 4-1 picks, as well as our favorite movies of 2016.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Cry Wilderness - MST3K Season 12 - Netflix

Year 3 in Review: Part 1

Its our third year anniversary and we are cranking out another episode where we recap the best bad movies we've seen in the last year. So happy anniversary to us and we look forward to another year of fine film choosing. This episode we each countdown our 10-5 picks.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Reptilicus - MST3K Season 12 - Netflix

Cutthroat Island - The Idiot Pirate Caper

Its one of the worst box office flops that has ever existed and there's a reason for that. This movie stinks! But take some bad acting, bad action, terrible dialogue, and add in the "idiot plot" and you've got a great time ahead. Yo-ho, me scalped hardys!
Let's get the most common complaint about this film - Geena Davis as action lady. Sure, she stinks. She's got no action ability and looks horrendously awful on screen. Her movements aren't fluid and come at you at about the pace of a turtle. Her action is lumpy. There's just no other word, lumpy. She can't get a line right either.
But here's the deal...she didn't have a lot to work with here. The script is unbelievable. It's filled with cheesy one-liners, more than we've ever come across. It has more terrible one-liners than any Chuck Norris movie. Honestly. Then there's her (at the time) husband's direction. Michael Bay can do a better and more believable job. The action is so poorly put together and each shot has at least one glaring flaw in it. 
Yes, it flopped. Yes you maybe haven't seen it. But here's the deal. This is a classic. It easily qualifies in "the so bad its good" metric. Not many films at this chock full of dumb fun and we all loved it. Stop what you're doing and go watch this. Great for first timers or revisiters.

Prelude to Cutthroat Island

In our FINAL Prelude episode (that's right, you heard it), we pull out all the stops for Cutthroat Island. It's known to be one of the biggest flops of cinema history and a career-ender for everyone involved except for the director who is at fault more than anyone.
The Wild Card from Justin - Pop Quiz, Hotshot (Pirate Edition)
Q. Pirates pierced their ears, not to look cool. Why?A. Believed precious gems in their ears improved one's eyesight.
Q. Why did pirates wear eye patches?A. To always have one eye adjusted to darkness to fight below deck in dark
Q. Women pirates! Name one.A. Anne Bonny stole the REvenge with Jack Rackham and pirated until it was captured.    Mary Read partnered with Anne Bonny    Sayyida al Hurra ruled mediterreanean in early 1500s    Jeanne-Louise de Belleville led three black with red sail ships called the BLack Fleet taking revenge against King Philip VI for killing         her husband.    Ching Shih captured by pirates in 1801, then married their captain. When he died she took over the fleet of over 300 junks and 40,000       men. Chinese navy lost 63 ships to them.
Q. What was a pirates most popular form of crew punishment?A. Keelhauling - getting tied to the ship and dragged under, getting your skin torn off AND/OR drowning. Whhheeeee!!!
Q. Describe the most deadliest of pirate flags?A. Red background with an hourglass on it. Meant give no quarter.
The Wild Card from Sam - The Great Superpower Debate
The Magneto of Food or Mind Chef - 7/10 stars (with a caveat of Jackie just being grumpy, this is a 10/10 if there ever was one)
The Wild Card from Jackie - Would You Rather?
Be stabbed the Last Unicorn or eaten by Clifford the Big Red Dog
Drowning via Loch Ness Monster or Drawn and Quartered by Sasquatch
Not worth going over.....
Well that's it folks. Thank you for the years of listening to our prelude episodes. We'll still be doing the weekly main episodes with a few tweaks, but this will be better for you and us. We hope you enjoyed all the cold opens, the Wild Cards, the Sam's Boring Bullshits, the Streaming Do's and Don'ts and all the laughs along the way.

Armageddon - Bad science is eclipsed by grossness

It's one of the crappiest movies ever to have such vast success. Thanks teenage girls. This movie is a whole lot of visual pain and my brain hurts from knowing how stupid it is. Get ready for some real crummy science!
The science....just one time open a book. Just once! So many explosions in space. So much NASA looking completely stupid. Ugh. Moving on...
Despite how bad the science is, it's really the most forgivable part of this turd. This film suffers from "The Idiot Plot", in which the plot of the movie can only exist if everyone in the story is a complete and total moron. NASA makes the big mistake of sending a cadre of morons into space instead of their astronauts, don't bother to come up with plan B, spend all their time dinking around with driller training, and also being in charge of all life on Earth. Nice. Then there's Bruce Willy and team, who we can forgive because, well....they're idiots. They shouldn't even be up there!
Lastly, there's the acting and the dialogue. It's shit-inducing. Ben Affleck and Liv Taylor are the most nausea promoting couple that's ever existed. They drip with cheese and both deserve to be punched square in the mouth. Send these two into space and leave them there place. Bruce Willis isn't much better but it's hard to compete with the vomit couple. 
Too long, too stupid, and too cheesy gross to view. A truly joyless experience. Steer clear.

Prelude to Armageddon

This week on the greatest podcast about bad movies, Sam decides to punish us for 2 1/2 hours with both Michael Bay and Bruce Willis' first appearance on the show. It's the "classic" teenage-girl loving mega-hit, Armageddon, in which a rock gets sploded by oil drillers. Prepare for some bad science! 
Streaming Dos and Don'ts
The Colony - Netflix
Mazes and Monsters - Amazon Prime
Space Mutiny - Netflix (MST3K) 
The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate
The Iron Foot - 7.25/10 stars

Congo - Diamonds are a trashcan's worst friend

An endless troupe of soon-to-be-dead invade a protected jungle to achieve their cavalcade of ulterior motives set to the backdrop of civil war. There's also a talking trash-can, lasers, primacide, Reagan's Star Wars program, bad science, missiles, bad management and Ernie Hudson. It's time for some good ol' bonkers business.
Congo from opening shot to final frame is a mass of nonsense. At no point in time does anything feasible or scientifically sound happen throughout. It's like they took the original script, sent it to Bizarro World, then brought it back and used that version. None of it makes any damn sense.
Now, the biggie...Amy the gorilla. She stinks, I'm sorry Stan Winston. This is a talking trashcan or at best one of the members of the Chuck E. Cheese band. But she's probably the most likeable character in the film, so you got that going for you.
Then there's the big three, Tim Curry, Joe Don Baker and Ernie Hudson. All are way over the top, like WAY over. Tim's "evil" is laughable, Joe Don's slobbering CEO is hilarious, and Ernie's crappy Lando Calrissian is fall out of your seat terrible. The rest of the rounders casting make ever less sense the plot. Dylan Walsh over Bruce Campbell? What?
Congo is one hell of a dumb/fun time and we highly recommend it for the first time or a revisit.