Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

Prelude to Cutthroat Island

In our FINAL Prelude episode (that's right, you heard it), we pull out all the stops for Cutthroat Island. It's known to be one of the biggest flops of cinema history and a career-ender for everyone involved except for the director who is at fault more than anyone.
The Wild Card from Justin - Pop Quiz, Hotshot (Pirate Edition)
Q. Pirates pierced their ears, not to look cool. Why?A. Believed precious gems in their ears improved one's eyesight.
Q. Why did pirates wear eye patches?A. To always have one eye adjusted to darkness to fight below deck in dark
Q. Women pirates! Name one.A. Anne Bonny stole the REvenge with Jack Rackham and pirated until it was captured.    Mary Read partnered with Anne Bonny    Sayyida al Hurra ruled mediterreanean in early 1500s    Jeanne-Louise de Belleville led three black with red sail ships called the BLack Fleet taking revenge against King Philip VI for killing         her husband.    Ching Shih captured by pirates in 1801, then married their captain. When he died she took over the fleet of over 300 junks and 40,000       men. Chinese navy lost 63 ships to them.
Q. What was a pirates most popular form of crew punishment?A. Keelhauling - getting tied to the ship and dragged under, getting your skin torn off AND/OR drowning. Whhheeeee!!!
Q. Describe the most deadliest of pirate flags?A. Red background with an hourglass on it. Meant give no quarter.
The Wild Card from Sam - The Great Superpower Debate
The Magneto of Food or Mind Chef - 7/10 stars (with a caveat of Jackie just being grumpy, this is a 10/10 if there ever was one)
The Wild Card from Jackie - Would You Rather?
Be stabbed the Last Unicorn or eaten by Clifford the Big Red Dog
Drowning via Loch Ness Monster or Drawn and Quartered by Sasquatch
Not worth going over.....
Well that's it folks. Thank you for the years of listening to our prelude episodes. We'll still be doing the weekly main episodes with a few tweaks, but this will be better for you and us. We hope you enjoyed all the cold opens, the Wild Cards, the Sam's Boring Bullshits, the Streaming Do's and Don'ts and all the laughs along the way.

Armageddon - Bad science is eclipsed by grossness

It's one of the crappiest movies ever to have such vast success. Thanks teenage girls. This movie is a whole lot of visual pain and my brain hurts from knowing how stupid it is. Get ready for some real crummy science!
The science....just one time open a book. Just once! So many explosions in space. So much NASA looking completely stupid. Ugh. Moving on...
Despite how bad the science is, it's really the most forgivable part of this turd. This film suffers from "The Idiot Plot", in which the plot of the movie can only exist if everyone in the story is a complete and total moron. NASA makes the big mistake of sending a cadre of morons into space instead of their astronauts, don't bother to come up with plan B, spend all their time dinking around with driller training, and also being in charge of all life on Earth. Nice. Then there's Bruce Willy and team, who we can forgive because, well....they're idiots. They shouldn't even be up there!
Lastly, there's the acting and the dialogue. It's shit-inducing. Ben Affleck and Liv Taylor are the most nausea promoting couple that's ever existed. They drip with cheese and both deserve to be punched square in the mouth. Send these two into space and leave them there place. Bruce Willis isn't much better but it's hard to compete with the vomit couple. 
Too long, too stupid, and too cheesy gross to view. A truly joyless experience. Steer clear.

Prelude to Armageddon

This week on the greatest podcast about bad movies, Sam decides to punish us for 2 1/2 hours with both Michael Bay and Bruce Willis' first appearance on the show. It's the "classic" teenage-girl loving mega-hit, Armageddon, in which a rock gets sploded by oil drillers. Prepare for some bad science! 
Streaming Dos and Don'ts
The Colony - Netflix
Mazes and Monsters - Amazon Prime
Space Mutiny - Netflix (MST3K) 
The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate
The Iron Foot - 7.25/10 stars

Congo - Diamonds are a trashcan's worst friend

An endless troupe of soon-to-be-dead invade a protected jungle to achieve their cavalcade of ulterior motives set to the backdrop of civil war. There's also a talking trash-can, lasers, primacide, Reagan's Star Wars program, bad science, missiles, bad management and Ernie Hudson. It's time for some good ol' bonkers business.
Congo from opening shot to final frame is a mass of nonsense. At no point in time does anything feasible or scientifically sound happen throughout. It's like they took the original script, sent it to Bizarro World, then brought it back and used that version. None of it makes any damn sense.
Now, the biggie...Amy the gorilla. She stinks, I'm sorry Stan Winston. This is a talking trashcan or at best one of the members of the Chuck E. Cheese band. But she's probably the most likeable character in the film, so you got that going for you.
Then there's the big three, Tim Curry, Joe Don Baker and Ernie Hudson. All are way over the top, like WAY over. Tim's "evil" is laughable, Joe Don's slobbering CEO is hilarious, and Ernie's crappy Lando Calrissian is fall out of your seat terrible. The rest of the rounders casting make ever less sense the plot. Dylan Walsh over Bruce Campbell? What?
Congo is one hell of a dumb/fun time and we highly recommend it for the first time or a revisit. 

Prelude to Congo

Last year we made a hard decision that the classic Michael Crichton adaptation Congo was a must do for an episode and now we have reached the point where its time for such shenanigans. It's lasers, gorillas and greed and everything you want.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Gantz:O - Netflix
Supersonic Man - Rifftrax - Amazon Prime
Super Inframan - Amazon Prime
The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate
Water Freeze Man - 8.75/10 Stars

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers - Bloody Hilarious

When it comes to making a title that is indicative of the plot, well this one nails it. Take 33% LA noir detective business, 33% chainsaw murders and 33 1/3% dancing topless hookers and you've got one of Fred Olen Ray's masterpieces. Hard to not love this blast o' laughs.
HCH (to save time) is hilarious...and quite intentionally. It's the opinion of this writer that Fred Olen Ray could have easily linked up with the Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrahams. If only he had been involved during Jane Austen's Mafia. It may have not been the turd that it was. There's plenty of slapstick and parody that keep the viewer focused on the jokes more than the huge boobs (which is quite the achievement).
Then there's the cast. Wowie. Its a cavalcade of silly performances mixed with killer comedic timing that really take this movie about boobs from a late-night wankfest into a 90% on Rottentomatoes.com. Linnea Quigley, John H. Richardson, Michelle Bauer, and Dukey Flyswatter (Michael Sonye) kill in front of the camera and put on a clinic of how to make a low-budget movie one heck of of a great time. It should also be noted that friend of the program, Christopher Olen Ray, appears as Kid at Bar, who gives the lead quite the snark while enjoying a fancy martini in a dingy "get stabbed" strip joint. Standing ovation.
HCH cannot be missed by any fan of the genre and shouldn't be missed by the majority of film fans. It's up there with Hell Comes to Frogtown in low budget and exceptional pieces of art. Bravo Fred. 

Prelude to Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

Jackie brings in the first Fred Olen Ray film in that old tale of hookers on a hellbent rampage with some nasty chainsaws and lots of boobies.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Deathrace 2050 - Netflix
The Pumaman - MST3K - Netflix or YouTube OR without MST3K on YouTube
The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor Couple's Edition
Tarzan and Jane
Barney and Betty Rubble
Joker and Harley Quinn

The Great Wall - Bad Movie Field Trip

Matt Damon and Oberyn Martell find themselves in the middle of the Battle for Helm's Deep with an Elven army posing as Chinese on one side and an horde of Orcs posing as aliens on the other. Yep...aliens. Our front runner for dumbest film ever made.
The plot of The Great Wall is easily the most poorly thought out plot since....well ever. Its dumber than Reign of Fire. It's dumber than Superman IV: The Quest for Peace. It's dumber than After Earth AND Lady in the Water AND The Happening combined. It can't be understated how dumb this film's plot is. The only way you can argue the logistics of this "war" between the Chinese and space dog-lizards is that both sides are complete morons.
The entire thing goes that these space monsters flew across the expanse of space atop an asteroid that crashed into Earth. So their nasty and want to eat people...sorta. Well the Chinese aren't down with getting turned into poop so they built a 5,500 mile wall to keep these little bastards out. Out of what is yet to be determined.
Now the other plot elements one must know: 
There's gajillizions of these monsters.
There is no global damage to the Earth from the asteroid.
They have three types of aliens: 1) Foot soldiers who are about the size of a great dane 2) Umbrella phalanx who use their head to make a shield and 3) the Queen who is about the size of an elephant. There's only 1 queen and she's the mothership from Independence Day, controlling the minds of all the other critters.
The Great Wall is a 1,000 feet tall.
There's plenty of people living on the alien side o' the wall.
The bug-dogs only come out of their mountain cave once every 60 years.
Once you find out about the existence of monsters you can never leave the Great Wall.
The monster cave is just right over there from the main force of the Chinese Elven Army.
Now...
If the monsters fell to Earth on an asteroid and no damage was done to the Earth, we must infer that the monsters were either protoplasm and then evolved into this horde of gajillions OR only a few lived on the asteroid and the Queen is one hell of a breeder. BUT the movie tells us that this HUGE mass of gajillions came on the asteroid. Where did they fit? How did they survive entry into the atmosphere? How did they survive the impact? How did the Earth survive?
Why would you want the monsters to be a closely held secret? Wouldn't you be like "Hey, uh...Europe...uh we got this problem..." Instead you can never tell. What the fuck?
What the fuck are the aliens doing the rest of the time? What do they got going on for 60 years? And if they go dormant for 60 years, why wouldn't you walk down to their monster cave (that's also just right over there) and start murdering the shit out of them!
And if they are just right over there and isolated to one geographical location, why in the FUCK didn't you just build the Wall in a circle around them?!?!?
And because you're a moron and didn't trap them or murder them while they slept or bred or whatever the fuck it is they are doing inside their monster cave for 60 years, why wouldn't the lizard-bug-dogs just go down the wall a little ways, jump up (because they can I guess as must be inferred by one "action sequence") then run down the wall from either side of the Elven army and eat them while they are having some delicious General Tso 's chicken?
Why in the hell are the monsters so interested in getting over the damn wall? I know that the film tells us that the Chinese myths say that they were sent to rid the world of man's greed and so they must eat the Chinese Emperor.... But really? There's tons of guys on their side of the wall. I'm sure some of them are greedy. Eat them!
Aside from how dumb the plot is this film is well worth it for the incredibly bad action sequences, the horrendous dialogue and the wooden and confused performance from Matt Damon sporting a sometimes there Irish accent. It will have you cowering in your seat, while you giggle yourself to embarrassment at how awful it is. This flaming pile of lizard-dog crap is going to be tough to beat for Best Bad Movie of 2017.

Twister - We'll Miss You, Bill Paxton

We all lost a huge part of our show and entertainment in general in the passing of Bill Paxton. He was a one of a kind type of actor and while that may seem cliche to say in the wake of someone's death in Hollywood, we'll stand by it. Bill had a depth that few possess, taking roles as varied as the pyschotic Severen in Near Dark (and is the only reason to watch the movie) to the silly Matt Owens in (Slipstream) to the model for a douche in Simon from True Lies (and steals the comedic show from Arnold and Arnold) to the warm but frightened Fred Haise in Apollo 13. The guy could play anything. 
So with that in mind, we tackle the 1996 disasterooney of Twister. With all its cliches and tropes that run rampant in the disaster genre, can the immensely popular film stand up to 20 years of time since its release? Who is this Helen Hunt lady? How did Phillip Seymour Hoffman become a thing? Is that a flying cow? All this and more revealed in our podcast episode. Listen to it!
Twister is WOW stupid. It falls into that mold of "these characters should have died in multiple instances but don't thanks to ludicrous writing". And they are all pretty blatant. One does not need to be a forensic scientist to understand that these people died multiple times. Pretty awesome stupid.
The acting...wow. Bill and Helen Hunt do fine with their roles but EVERY single other actor blows at least one line, with Jami Gertz leading the crappy acting battle charge. It's hilarious.
The action is fairly stupid and nonstop. In one sequence, the find themselves being chased down by a 'nado while being stuck in a ditch at 75mph. The chase ends in a head-on collision. Then there's the Dodge Ram. The most invincible vehicle ever built. Crap is flying all over the place at all times, the 'nados are monsters with sentience and a voice, and the heavy amount of 'nados in one day would imply that the Midwest is a desolate wasteland and completely unliveable (oh wait, that's true). 
The science is bad, the physics are bad, the invulnerability of humans and trucks are a staple, plot convenience abounds (where are they getting all these Dorothys?) and it never lets up. Go ahead and take a revisit of Twister and if you haven't seen it, stop what you're doing and check it out.

Encino Man - Proof positive that weed works

We get straight to weezin' the juice as a caveman gets called out for being, well...a caveman. It's that old story of boy meets girl, boy gets frozen in a glacier and then boy meets potheads and learns the wonders of the doobage.
Encino Man is a movie that shouldn't be any fun at all. But it is. End of story. It has that strange ability to be not funny but fun throughout. It's outlandish, ridiculous, and stupid but never stops being a wild ride.
What may not be overtly stated is that the movie tells us that the only way to not get murdered by a caveman and have a smooth transition for him into modern society is marijuana. There's no onscreen use of the pot but behind the scenes it's heavily implied. If you know anything about potheads and the things that surround them, you'll spot this pretty easily. Stoney (Pauly Shore) is the easy spot but those who know what I'm talking about will also recognize Dave (Sean Astin) as that straight-laced fella whose parents don't know he's into the weed.
Need to seduce the popular girl and become prom-king? Dig a swimming pool by yourself with just a shovel. Potheads.
So you find a caveman...and you put him in a shed with heaters so that he will thaw out....while you're at school. Potheads.
Believe that the pile of melted ice in said shed means that the caveman melted along with the ice. Potheads.
Believe that being friends with a caveman will make you popular at school and get the girl. Potheads.
Even Dave's parents are potheads as evidenced by "Who is this caveman-looking-guy? And what's up with the house being trashed?" says mom. Dave's reply: "He's that exchange student I told you about." Mom: "Oh...ok I forget crap all the time!" Potheads.
So much fun and shenanigans make Encino Man a great revisit from a popular film that shouldn't stand up to time but totally does. Check it out as soon as you can.
Individual Ratings:
Over the top action:Cheesy effects:Horrendous acting:Laugh-out-loud-ability:Ridiculous stunts:Gratuitous nudity:Memorable one-liners:Riffability:
Overall Ratings:
Good Movie Quality: Bad Movie Quality: