Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

2012 - Bad acting is the apocalypse

Roland pulls out all the stops in the disaster genre by blowing up the entire planet (sorta). Bad science and bad acting abound in one heck of a production, but does that translate into a good time?
Lets just start by saying this film is way too long. By the 3/4 point even the diehard dumb movie viewer is tired and bored of the "excitement". It just keeps going and going and going. That would be ok if you could possibly be emotionally invested in the characters in anyway. But you just want them all to die.
The acting is awful. Woody Harrelson steals the show with his terrible hippie Art Bell. But he's not alone. John Cusask shows us why he went straight to VOD after this. His Jackson Curtis is about the least likable character in all of film. He's a giant douche who at no point redeems himself. Amanda Peet (who somehow manages to keep her top on) does nothing to thrill us. Danny Glover looks quite confused throughout.
The action/disaster sequences though...wow. If they were an amp, they would go to 11. But as mentioned they eventually become stale, bogged down by the surrounding idiocy of the script. Too much is such a thing....
So 2012 was a sure disappointment on second viewing. This one is best left in the $2 bin at the pawn shop.

Prelude to 2012

Well we exit 2016 with a bang...sorta. We went ahead and re-recorded our previous attempt at 2012, since we bungled the first versions and now in all it's glory we dive into the 2009 film from stinker Hall of Famer, Roland Emmerich in which the world explodes...sorta.
Casual Do's and Don'ts
Hellbent (1988) - IMDB
Demolition High - YouTube
The Village of the Giants - MST3K on YouTube OR standard version
The Wild Card - Pop Quiz Hotshot (2012 Edition)
A Judy Garland dress which sold for $302,000 in 2012 was worn in which movie? The Wizard of Oz
What is the year 2012 in Roman numerals? MMXII
Who became the oldest actor to win an Oscar in 2012? Christopher Plummer
What member of the Monkees died in 2012? Davy Jones
Name the devastating mid/N American hurricane of Oct 2012? Sandy
What film released in 2012 went on to win Oscar gold? Argo
Razzie winner? Twilight 4

Black Christmas - A real family Xmas, if you're a psycho

When you've been stuck in an attic, are literally yellow, and forced to be your mom's sperm donor for your whole life, you're probably going to have some issues. So pick up your pokey objects and take some eyeballs out in the name of Santa!
The problem here is that this film, while somewhat entertaining, is just too generic and blasé. It's a slasher with fairly little imagination. When you come into a slasher film, you're here for one thing - ridiculous death scenes. This film does NOT have that. There's fairly vague death scenes (oh the camera cut away, the horror!), there's "deaths" that people wouldn't actually die from (such as a tiny icicle shattering through your skull, dropped from a height of 3 feet), and pretty meh makeup. The obsession with eyeball mutilation is over done and gets old after the first two eyeball sequences.
HOWEVER, the plot is super-super stupid. There's two killers, spoilers (too late). And they are possibly the worst, least effective slashers in the history of film. As mentioned, most people wouldn't die from their injuries inflicted, one lady dies on complete accident, and two of them die from impossibility, leaving 3 actual murders accomplished and 1 girl to go ahead and kill the slashers. Meaning out of 12 people, only 3 of them die. Pretty good work guys. Jason or Freddy would have tore through these dumb girls in about 15 minutes.
The killer's motivations are pretty unclear as well. Best we can figure they just want to have a nice Christmas with each other in the house they grew up in. So if that's actually the plot of the film....then this is a movie that understands and declares the true meaning of Christmas. So a surprise there, for sure.
It's fine, there's nothing wrong with this one. But there's not anything that makes this stand out either. There's plenty of missed opportunities that keep this out of being a true stinker classic. Fun dumb plot, bad slasher deaths and a frustrating lack of nudity. Only watch if you are out of good things to do. 

Prelude to Black Christmas

Jingle jingle and egg nog hangover ahoy! It's that magical time for awful crappy holiday movies and Jackie's dialed up a slasher with a special Xmas message; don't ever remake a classic film with a bunch of day-player bimbos.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Nine Deaths of the Ninja - Mill Creek - B-Movie Blast 50 Pack
Hundra - Amazon/Epix
Missing in Action - YouTube/TubiTV
The Wild Card - Good Xmas/Bad Xmas
Eternia - He-Man/She-Ra Xmas Special
Hobo with a Shotgun Town
Kazook - Star Wars Holiday Special

3000 Miles to Graceland - How to ruin Elvis

Two A-Listers make us question their entire career in what appears to be a metaphorical hang-down contest of who is the tougher guy that gets weekly manicures and follicle treatments. It's Costner vs Russell in full Elvis tradition....the tradition of dying on a toilet.
3000 Miles to Graceland is one of the most inaccurate titles ever. See this map: http://obeattie.github.io/gmaps-radius/?lat=53.484652&lng=-99.643463&z=3&u=mi&r=3000. That is 3000 Miles from Graceland (Elvis' house). Now we learn that the ship Kurt Russell tries to get to and is located in Mt. Vernon, WA and their trip starts in Las Vegas. That is a journey of about 1,800 miles. So good job already.
Now as far as the film. It sucks. Costner stinks, Russell stinks, Arquette REALLY stinks (but dies early so there's that) and Slater stinks. Courtney Cox looks pretty good but she unfortunately stinks as well. No one in this film is likeable. 
The true tragedy of this film is the cast yes but the writing and editing truly is painful. Yes, it's got that early 2000 over-editing plague. Slo-mo, fast cuts and graphics. Butt music, check. Terrible looking CGI (Scorpions battle to the death?), check. Making farts not funny, check. It's a clinic on crappy film-making.
The events of the film don't make any sense. Character interacts are dubious. The action is completely stupid. But in the end, the true tragedy of this film is that it's a 2 hour penis size competition with idiots. I didn't like it, I don't think you will either.

Prelude to 3000 Miles to Graceland

Put on your sequin jumpsuit, grow out your side-burns, and fry up them bananas because we've got a movie this week that features too many Elvis' and so many Razzie nominations. It's Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell in a no hold barred competition of who can suck more.
Casual Do's and Don'ts
Murder Weapon (1989)
Future Hunters - Part of the Mill Creek Sci-Fi Invasion Pack
The Wild Card - Who Would Win in a Knife Fight
Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell

ThanksKilling - Damn the Pilgrims!

While we're too late for Thanksgiving, it's never too late for a movie about an ancient Native American curse that manifests itself in the form of a very dirty mouthed killer turkey. When you have 0 money and you accomplish what was done here gives us a tip of our hats but a wag of the finger too.
ThanksKilling deserves to be congratulated. It's a better film in all standpoints than the majority of films that cost 0 dollars to make and better than even a majority of films by The Asylum or any crummy gimmick movie showing daily on SyFy. The effects aren't bad, many jokes delivers (some do NOT), the pacing is never dull, and the bad acting is pretty fun. It deserves some merits.
With that it mind, it's a little much. The vulgarity of the turkey tends to get a little old, well after the first line really. The jokes can run a little many with the majority of them falling flat. That's not to say this isn't a funny movie. It's just there's about 60 times more jokes than your common film. It's wall to wall. So if they only have 6 or 7 really good jokes (which is pretty decent) that means there's a thousand that aren't funny. 
It's sophomoric and moronic. It's juvenile and offensive. It's clearly not for everyone. But there is a modicum of charm here too. So while easy to pick on, we all respect this film for A) getting done, B) delivering what they wanted, C) adding to the genre of mock-films.
ThanksKilling while being really crappy, is well worth the watch. There's some decent commentary on cliche story lines and character developments, the effects are a lot of fun, and the handful of good jokes all make up a good 80 minutes of film. Oh yeah, it's 80 minutes.

Prelude to Thankskilling

Whether we're late on our Thanksgiving episode or not, we're still going to enjoy a delightful little film about a killer turkey enacting revenge upon all white people for the horrors put upon the Native Americans. Sounds plausible...
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Judge Dredd - Netflix
Hard Target 2 - Netflix
Santo vs las Mujeres Vampiro - (Samson vs the Vampire Women) MST3K, YouTube
The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?
Turkey vs Pig
Olive vs Cranberry
Regular Mashed Potatoes vs Cauliflower Mashed Potatoes

Deuces Wild - A new low in tough guys

If you love films where skinny guys with giant heads get into a "I'm tougher than you" contest with lots of undramatic slow-motion surrounded by even more unattractive women, than this movie is for you. Good luck with your life.
This film is a huge POS. We normally give films the benefit of the doubt here but this film truly is a giant pile of crap with nothing redeemable to it. No film has less going for it. Truly. Its unviewable. Even A Star is Born or Mortal Kombat: Annhilation or Grumpy Cat's Xmas have at least one or two things going for them. This doesn't even have one. Not one. Every aspect of this film is crap.
The actors (who some are respectable, not in this) all decided to get up and put on "punch me faces" for the making of this film, even notorious precocious scamp Frankie Muniz. Yes this film makes you want to punch a child, and Matt Dillon. And sorry Walking Dead fans, Norman Reedus stinks and so does Walking Dead.
Stay away from Deuces Wild. 

Prelude to Deuces Wild

Sam's pick this week gives us an in-depth look of late 50s Brooklyn street gang tough guys. They are tough right? Stephen Dorff and Brad Renfro...they're notorious tough guys, right? James Franco? He's tough....right?
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
The Golden Child - Starz
The Monkey King: Havoc in Heaven's Palace - Netflix
Dirty Grandpa - EPIX
Wild Card - Who would win in a Knife Fight?
Kevin Bacon vs Stephen Dorff