Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

Black Christmas - A real family Xmas, if you're a psycho

When you've been stuck in an attic, are literally yellow, and forced to be your mom's sperm donor for your whole life, you're probably going to have some issues. So pick up your pokey objects and take some eyeballs out in the name of Santa!
The problem here is that this film, while somewhat entertaining, is just too generic and blasé. It's a slasher with fairly little imagination. When you come into a slasher film, you're here for one thing - ridiculous death scenes. This film does NOT have that. There's fairly vague death scenes (oh the camera cut away, the horror!), there's "deaths" that people wouldn't actually die from (such as a tiny icicle shattering through your skull, dropped from a height of 3 feet), and pretty meh makeup. The obsession with eyeball mutilation is over done and gets old after the first two eyeball sequences.
HOWEVER, the plot is super-super stupid. There's two killers, spoilers (too late). And they are possibly the worst, least effective slashers in the history of film. As mentioned, most people wouldn't die from their injuries inflicted, one lady dies on complete accident, and two of them die from impossibility, leaving 3 actual murders accomplished and 1 girl to go ahead and kill the slashers. Meaning out of 12 people, only 3 of them die. Pretty good work guys. Jason or Freddy would have tore through these dumb girls in about 15 minutes.
The killer's motivations are pretty unclear as well. Best we can figure they just want to have a nice Christmas with each other in the house they grew up in. So if that's actually the plot of the film....then this is a movie that understands and declares the true meaning of Christmas. So a surprise there, for sure.
It's fine, there's nothing wrong with this one. But there's not anything that makes this stand out either. There's plenty of missed opportunities that keep this out of being a true stinker classic. Fun dumb plot, bad slasher deaths and a frustrating lack of nudity. Only watch if you are out of good things to do. 

Prelude to Black Christmas

Jingle jingle and egg nog hangover ahoy! It's that magical time for awful crappy holiday movies and Jackie's dialed up a slasher with a special Xmas message; don't ever remake a classic film with a bunch of day-player bimbos.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Nine Deaths of the Ninja - Mill Creek - B-Movie Blast 50 Pack
Hundra - Amazon/Epix
Missing in Action - YouTube/TubiTV
The Wild Card - Good Xmas/Bad Xmas
Eternia - He-Man/She-Ra Xmas Special
Hobo with a Shotgun Town
Kazook - Star Wars Holiday Special

3000 Miles to Graceland - How to ruin Elvis

Two A-Listers make us question their entire career in what appears to be a metaphorical hang-down contest of who is the tougher guy that gets weekly manicures and follicle treatments. It's Costner vs Russell in full Elvis tradition....the tradition of dying on a toilet.
3000 Miles to Graceland is one of the most inaccurate titles ever. See this map: http://obeattie.github.io/gmaps-radius/?lat=53.484652&lng=-99.643463&z=3&u=mi&r=3000. That is 3000 Miles from Graceland (Elvis' house). Now we learn that the ship Kurt Russell tries to get to and is located in Mt. Vernon, WA and their trip starts in Las Vegas. That is a journey of about 1,800 miles. So good job already.
Now as far as the film. It sucks. Costner stinks, Russell stinks, Arquette REALLY stinks (but dies early so there's that) and Slater stinks. Courtney Cox looks pretty good but she unfortunately stinks as well. No one in this film is likeable. 
The true tragedy of this film is the cast yes but the writing and editing truly is painful. Yes, it's got that early 2000 over-editing plague. Slo-mo, fast cuts and graphics. Butt music, check. Terrible looking CGI (Scorpions battle to the death?), check. Making farts not funny, check. It's a clinic on crappy film-making.
The events of the film don't make any sense. Character interacts are dubious. The action is completely stupid. But in the end, the true tragedy of this film is that it's a 2 hour penis size competition with idiots. I didn't like it, I don't think you will either.

Prelude to 3000 Miles to Graceland

Put on your sequin jumpsuit, grow out your side-burns, and fry up them bananas because we've got a movie this week that features too many Elvis' and so many Razzie nominations. It's Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell in a no hold barred competition of who can suck more.
Casual Do's and Don'ts
Murder Weapon (1989)
Future Hunters - Part of the Mill Creek Sci-Fi Invasion Pack
The Wild Card - Who Would Win in a Knife Fight
Kevin Costner vs Kurt Russell

ThanksKilling - Damn the Pilgrims!

While we're too late for Thanksgiving, it's never too late for a movie about an ancient Native American curse that manifests itself in the form of a very dirty mouthed killer turkey. When you have 0 money and you accomplish what was done here gives us a tip of our hats but a wag of the finger too.
ThanksKilling deserves to be congratulated. It's a better film in all standpoints than the majority of films that cost 0 dollars to make and better than even a majority of films by The Asylum or any crummy gimmick movie showing daily on SyFy. The effects aren't bad, many jokes delivers (some do NOT), the pacing is never dull, and the bad acting is pretty fun. It deserves some merits.
With that it mind, it's a little much. The vulgarity of the turkey tends to get a little old, well after the first line really. The jokes can run a little many with the majority of them falling flat. That's not to say this isn't a funny movie. It's just there's about 60 times more jokes than your common film. It's wall to wall. So if they only have 6 or 7 really good jokes (which is pretty decent) that means there's a thousand that aren't funny. 
It's sophomoric and moronic. It's juvenile and offensive. It's clearly not for everyone. But there is a modicum of charm here too. So while easy to pick on, we all respect this film for A) getting done, B) delivering what they wanted, C) adding to the genre of mock-films.
ThanksKilling while being really crappy, is well worth the watch. There's some decent commentary on cliche story lines and character developments, the effects are a lot of fun, and the handful of good jokes all make up a good 80 minutes of film. Oh yeah, it's 80 minutes.

Prelude to Thankskilling

Whether we're late on our Thanksgiving episode or not, we're still going to enjoy a delightful little film about a killer turkey enacting revenge upon all white people for the horrors put upon the Native Americans. Sounds plausible...
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Judge Dredd - Netflix
Hard Target 2 - Netflix
Santo vs las Mujeres Vampiro - (Samson vs the Vampire Women) MST3K, YouTube
The Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?
Turkey vs Pig
Olive vs Cranberry
Regular Mashed Potatoes vs Cauliflower Mashed Potatoes

Deuces Wild - A new low in tough guys

If you love films where skinny guys with giant heads get into a "I'm tougher than you" contest with lots of undramatic slow-motion surrounded by even more unattractive women, than this movie is for you. Good luck with your life.
This film is a huge POS. We normally give films the benefit of the doubt here but this film truly is a giant pile of crap with nothing redeemable to it. No film has less going for it. Truly. Its unviewable. Even A Star is Born or Mortal Kombat: Annhilation or Grumpy Cat's Xmas have at least one or two things going for them. This doesn't even have one. Not one. Every aspect of this film is crap.
The actors (who some are respectable, not in this) all decided to get up and put on "punch me faces" for the making of this film, even notorious precocious scamp Frankie Muniz. Yes this film makes you want to punch a child, and Matt Dillon. And sorry Walking Dead fans, Norman Reedus stinks and so does Walking Dead.
Stay away from Deuces Wild. 

Prelude to Deuces Wild

Sam's pick this week gives us an in-depth look of late 50s Brooklyn street gang tough guys. They are tough right? Stephen Dorff and Brad Renfro...they're notorious tough guys, right? James Franco? He's tough....right?
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
The Golden Child - Starz
The Monkey King: Havoc in Heaven's Palace - Netflix
Dirty Grandpa - EPIX
Wild Card - Who would win in a Knife Fight?
Kevin Bacon vs Stephen Dorff

88 Minutes - Call Campus Security, Pacino is a pervert

Al Pacino stinks up the entire production of a film with such little story that 88 minutes is just ridiculous fluff. With tons of bad hair, sexual assault, disappearing actors, quite dubious motivations, non-linear time, drunk actors, and questionable filler material. It's pretty bonkers.
Lets start with Al Pacino. He stinks. I'm sorry world, Pacino stinks. He's great. We love him. He's hilarious. But he's not exactly Lawrence Olivier. And this film is a highlight of how bad he is. His hair is outlandish. His skin changes shades of orange and he's just as confused with the film as we are. Great fun, great fun. Except for Alicia Witt, she gets sexually assaulted maybe more than any actress ever by an A-Lister....
Then there's the surrounding players. The world won't be too surprised but Leelee Sobieski stinks. She's always stinky though. Seriously, name a good movie she's ever been in. She's a pariah on film. Fantastic crappy performance here. There's a dean who is quite drunk. Billy Forsythe is exactly what you expect from him. All makes for fun.
The plot is so bland but is barely noticeable because its surrounded by sequence after sequence of banana business. Take for instance, Campus Security. At one point, Al Pacino and Alicia Witt go to Campus Security...whose office rivals Quantico. I believe Dexter interned there. Fox Mulder has an office in the basement. At no time in the history of the world has Campus Security ever looked like this.
While its no Dreamcatcher or The Wicker Man, it is a great ride through terrible acting and bad directorial decisions. It's just a little weak on plot, whether good or bad plot, it doesn't have enough of either. Still....great watch.

Prelude to 88 Minutes

A fan request comes in this week for some Pacino so we attempt to tackle the 2007 trainwreck about a guy who only has 88 Minutes to solve a murder....his own. Oh my gosh what an amazingly original concept, he said sarcastically. But as fans of terrible acting, we think this has potential.
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Serpent's Lair - Amazon Prime
The Howling VI - Amazon Prime
Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors - Rent from take your pick
The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor - the Pacino edition
Michael Coreleone - The Godfather series
Lt. Col. Frank Slade - Scent of a Woman
The Devil - The Devil's Advocate
any other role ever....