Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

Ninja III: The Domination - The Worst Cannon movie?

A deceased magical ninja with questionable motives possesses a telephone line working/aerobics instructor and gets her to revengify a bunch of cops who blew the ninja away (justifiably). Meanwhile, lasers, gymnastics, so much magic, and awful effects abound. Plus back hair and V8!
Ninja III may be the worst movie Cannon ever made. We're talking about Cannon here remember. This thing stinks so bad. The story is incredibly dumb/nonexistant, the action is completely ridiculous, the acting is awful, the shots are poorly staged, the effects are horrendous, dialogue is unbelievable and the complete lack of understanding life/people/reality is abundant. With that in mind, it adds up for so much fun. Wow, what a great bad movie.
It's a film like this that makes us feel lacking as reviewers of film, because this thing is just indescribable. Roger Ebert may not have been able to really figure out what Ninja III is. But watch it, I mean look at our star rating for it!
We can't stress how awesome Ninja III is. This is the pinnacle of stupid ninja business ala Robert Hamburger (realutimatepower.net). So many deaths by ninja, so much ninja magic, and tons of closeups of people wearing eye-liner. Wahoo!

Prelude to Ninja III: The Domination

This episode of the famed SM show, we put on our best disguises, pull out our tree-climbing ropes, and get ready to assassinate one of Cannon's most ridiculous films brought to the big screen. Like a ninja this film is disguised as a ninja film but it's 100% banana business. Plus the whole thing is free on YouTube! Thanks Paramount Vault!
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
Jaws - Netflix
Jaws II - Netflix
Jaws 3 - Netflix
Jaws: The Revenge - Netflix
The Wild Card - Pop Quiz, Hotshot - Ninja Edition
Q: The word/kanji for Ninja didn't appear until the 20th century. What were they called before then?
Q: First record of Ninja?
Q: The ninja star, or Shuriken is probably the most notorious weapon used by ninjas. What was it's primary function? 
Q: Describe the garb of the ninja?
Q: What is a kusarigama?
Q: What's a kunoichi?

Glitter - It can't overpower the lameness

In 2001, Mariah Carey decided to wreck thousands of lives and destroy Sam's affection for her visual appearance, primarily her face. While "glitter can't overpower the artist" Glitter can't even overpower it's own idiocy, racism, and sexism.
What? Glitter is a period-piece? This takes place in 1983? WTF? Why on Earth does it take place in 1983? The clothes, the cars, the music, the set pieces, the vernacular, NOTHING was done that says "Hey, it's 1983" except a bottom 1/3 graphic. It's screams that it's actually 2001. And 1983 serves absolutely no purpose to the story. None. If there was a bad movie award for poor and unnecessary choices and the subsequent execution of said choice, this would have been that categories Gone With the Wind.
So Mariah....is a pariah....to acting. Now that that terrible joke is over, she stinks. She truly looks lost and confused throughout the entire production. She appears to be on Quaaludes and just tripping balls at the production lights on the set. She's out of it completely. Unfortunately, her terrible performance is not a fun thing to view. It's not laughable or enjoyable. It's almost none-existent as this film hardly features any lines for her to screw up. So no fun there which this reviewer looked forward to the most. Bummer.
Then there's the visual aspect to Carey. We're not going to talk about any physical characteristics that she was born with, so I feel we're clear here. We're talking about whomever was in charge of hair, makeup, attire, and shooting around her stupid eyebrows. It's awful. Mariah Carey very well could be an absolutely beautiful woman but we can tell you that she's positively down-right fugly in Glitter. 
The songs stink, the performances are nowhere to be found, the acting sucks, Terrance Howard has a "punch me" face, everyone is douche, the story is absent, and fails to come around and make the statement that it EXPLICITLY states at one point. Despite all of that, the fact that this film is #31 on the IMDB Bottom 100, but it is NOT that terrible. Possibly bottom 100 but #31 is way too high. It's just not very good. But it isn't very easy to hate unless you have some problem with the lead outside of the film. Hate is required for a film to be this high and there's just not enough going on to hate it. It's just not good. But with that, it's still not worth watching.

Prelude to Glitter

It's time for Jackie to choose another Razzie winning and highly nominated "musical". In 2001, men in ties decided to crap in our ears and eyes as the allow Mariah Carey to create her own movie about her career (sorta). Get ready for gluch....
Streaming Do's and Don'ts
The Curse of Sleeping Beauty - Netflix
Justin's Top 5 80's Action Guys!
5. Kurt Russell - Escape from LA, The Thing, Big Trouble, Tango & Cash4. Chuck Norris - Delta Force, Firewalker, Invasion USA, Lone Wolf McQuade3. Jackie Chan - Project A, Meals on Wheels, Police Story, Armour of God2. Sly Stallone - All Rambos, Rocky IV, Cobra, Tango & Cash1. Arnold Schwarzenegger - Conan, Commando, Predator, Running Man
Here's who is NOT on the list:
Bruce Willis - Blow Hard IV - I'm a douchebag
Mel Gibson - Being in a film franchise where you make quirky faces and deliver lines at the speed Robin Williams tells jokes doesn't qualify as action guy.
Carl Weathers - Action Jackson's lack of action is an instant out - nice backflip over a car though.
Sigourney Weaver - Aliens is a shitty sequel and that's all she did.
Honorable mentions
Sonny Landham
Cynthia Rothrock
Bill Duke
Sho Kosugi
Wild Card - Who would win in a knife fight?
The Last Unicorn vs. Falcor the luck dragon

Firewalker - So not funny, it's funny

Chuck Norris, Louis Gosset Jr, and Melody Anderson go on a wild ride through various adventures on the way to get treasure. Along the way the face alligators, sinking cars, rebels, gang-rape village, the Mexican Gestapo, their own visual appearance, and elaborate aboriginal death traps. Sounds ridiculous? It is indeed.
Firewalker is Golan and Globus' take on the very popular and quite good, Romancing the Stone. In fact, it's a veritable carbon copy of the film but with your typical Cannon Films ineptitude. It's writing is completely out of control stupid, the entire plot is irrelevant to itself, characters have strange motivations and are generally unneeded, the acting stinks, the cast possesses zero charm or chemistry, and the action sequences are written by children.
With all that in mind, Firewalker is a lot of fun in the usual Cannon flair. It's incredibly dumb, the comedy is so hammy, the action is head-slappingly stupid, the acting is awful, the story is poorly envisioned, and it never lets up from it. We all liked it and feel it's a good recommend for any fan of Cannon.

Prelude to Firewalker

Charles Norris returns again for his 3rd appearance on the show in a teamup with awful acting staple, Louis Gossett, Jr. in Firewalker. A film that appears to be a complete knockoff of Indiana Jones or Romancing the Stone or take your pick. Can Chuck Norris bring the comedy that he's so well known for? Or will this be as laughable as toothpaste?

Commando - The pinnacle of stupid action movies

Our good movie friend Tucker stops by to discuss one of the greatest/stupidest action movies of all time. Be prepared for ridiculous (hilarious) Arnold impressions.
Commando is so iconic and such a staple in "men with guns" movies that it's hard to avoid and impossible to dislike. It's level of over-the-top is unequaled that for the next 15 years in film, every action attempts to be Commando but none have come close. It's the model, but at the same time it's SOOOOO stupid.
So the plot...John Matrix must confront a fat man in a yarn shirt who isn't the main villain to rescue his daughter who probably is just really bored. Along the way there is an incredible amount of ridiculousness but SOOO much awesomeness as well as Arnold tears through a ludicrous amount of bad guys. It's very easy to understand Matrix's motivations but every other character really doesn't have any. Why is Cindy so involved? What could Bennett possibly have to gain? How does Dan Hedaya's guy possible expect to take over a country while he's just hanging out at home off the coast of California? None of it makes any sense.
The violence...wow. It's at a 10 and none of it is anything but laughable. The end 15 minutes is the fastest death count until 2008's Rambo but does not bear the same brutality or gravity as Rambo. Its pretty much rolling on the floor laughing with tears streaming down your face levels of gravity. So none.
Then there's Bennett. Vernon Welles (no offense) is one of the worst casts ever. He's pudgy, he's not very action-packed, he's got this crappy accent that isn't quite clear or necessary and then there's the character. Bennett is madly in love with John Matrix and very horny for him. His lust is supposed to be being mad with revenge but its clear that Bennett wants to have some alone time with Matrix involving a bear skin rug and a fire. Hilarious.
Commando was written by a 12 year old, directed by one of the best stinker directors in history (Mark L. Lester), Schwaz is at his most Schwazy, so many one-liners and so many dead guys killed in horrific ways that it is an absolute must see/revisit/once once a year film forever. 

Prelude to Commando

To purge ourselves from the misery of last weeks movie we dowse ourselves in awesomeness and then light ourselves on fire (that was all figurative, in no way do we endorse lighting yourself on fire...unless you're a total tool, then go for it) and let Arnold take the show over it the quintessential action movie of the 1980s (maybe even ever) but still incredibly dumb, Commando.
Fall SMABFA Contenders
Ben-Hur - Uh, you know you screwed up here.
Nine Lives - Thanks for telling our kids they are stupid and will like anything. Their not and they hated this.
The Mechanic: Resurrection - Statham takes a shot at getting that Best Bad Movie title. Possible surprise one here.
Rings - So what? Sumara lives in Netflix now? Come on it worked (barely) with VHS but 20 years later is too much later....
The Wild Card - Good Neighbor, Bad Neighbor
Joan Crawford - Mommie Dearest
The Waits Family - Troll 2
Mike Roark - Volcano
Harry Dalton - Dante's Peak

Dreamer: The Tears of Boredom

Here's a fun concept - take something as boring to watch as bowling and then make a movie that is just as boring about said boring thing. You've then got a very accurate representation of something super boring. Wow. Thanks a lot bowling movie.
Dreamer is arguably the most boring movie ever made. There's levels of bad that are definitely worse as far as film-making. See Manos, Monster-a-Go-Go, Sssssss, and so forth come to mind. The good thing about all those films is that there's at least something to either hate, scratch your head over, or just be angry about. This causes no emotions on any level. Its the least interesting film we've ever seen. Ever. No question.
I don't even know how to write an entire review. I guess I'll try to write the synopsis so here goes: Dreamer is about a guy who bowls.
So that's the synopsis. There's no plot to talk about. There's no events or character journeys. Oh a guy bowls himself to death, but even that is shot boringly. 
Don't watch Dreamer under any circumstances unless you are trying to clear out house guests but that might not work because they'll just fall asleep on your couch. 
However, our podcast is quite funny so be sure to check that out.

Prelude to Dreamer

In this week's podcast spectacular of majesty, we've dug into the vaults and pulled out a brown stain in sports film-making history from 1979. It's the tale of the super exciting world of bowling. What? You didn't know bowling could be exciting? Well put on your slippery shoes and grab your ball bag because we didn't either!
"Streaming" Do's and Don'ts
Deadly Blessing - Amazon Prime
Warrior of Justice - IMDB
Future-Kill - IMDB
The Wild Card - The Great Superpower Debate
The ability to control 5 mosquitos - 3/10 stars
About Dreamer - Movie Information