Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

American Ninja 5 - Little Ninja Men

Hold on to your black belts, folks, because "American Ninja 5" is the ultimate karate kick to the face of movie-making! It's so ridiculous, it's actually kind of hilarious.
David Bradley returns as Joe, the American Ninja, in this fifth installment of the series that should have ended after the second movie. This time around, Joe is on a mission to save his girlfriend and stop an evil ninja organization from taking over the world. Sounds simple enough, right? Wrong.
The plot of this movie is about as coherent as a drunk man trying to explain the meaning of life. Predictably, the villain has a terrible profit generation scheme of which he could have made ridiculous amounts of money if he wasn't a bad guy. It's a mishmash of clichés, bad one-liners, and over-the-top fight scenes that defy the laws of physics. And let's not forget about the comically inept henchmen who make the Keystone Cops look like Navy SEALs.
But what really sets "American Ninja 5" apart is the acting. David Bradley's wooden delivery is almost impressive in its complete lack of emotion. And Pat Morita, of "Karate Kid" fame, looks like he's just there for the paycheck.
The fight scenes are so ridiculous, they're almost worth watching just for the laughs. There's one scene where Joe fights off a group of ninjas and teaches his child sidekick how to kill people. Yes, you read that right. And another scene where he uses a piece of cardboard as a weapon. It's like watching a bizarre fever dream.
Overall, "American Ninja 5" is a movie that's so bad, it's almost good. It's a cheesy, nonsensical, and entirely unapologetic action-comedy that's sure to leave you shaking your head and wondering how on earth this movie ever got made. So if you're looking for a good laugh, grab some popcorn and settle in for a martial arts movie that's truly a masterpiece of absurdity.

Night Game - We’re talking baseball!

Growing Pain's Mike Seaver, marries his daughter, punches a cop and takes down a very dumb serial killer with dubious intent. Sounds fun...its not.
Night Game is a disappointing thriller that fails to live up to its potential. The film follows a detective named Mike Seaver who investigates a series of murders that occur during Houston Astros' home night games when a particular relief pitcher gets a win.
One of the biggest problems with Night Game is its pacing. The movie moves incredibly slowly, with long stretches of time spent on unimportant scenes that do little to advance the plot. This slow pace makes the movie feel tedious and boring, and it's hard to stay engaged with the story.
Another issue is its lack of suspense. The movie is supposed to be a thriller, but there are very few moments that actually feel tense or exciting. The murders are not particularly shocking or gruesome, and the investigation never feels like it's building towards anything significant.
The acting is also underwhelming. Roy Scheider, who is typically a strong performer, seems disinterested in the role and delivers a lackluster performance. The supporting cast is forgettable, and none of the characters are particularly well-developed or interesting aside from the very gross relationship between Seaver and his child bride, whose mother he used share "Night Moves" in the back of his '67 Chevy. So there's a chance she's his daughter. Yuck.
Overall, Night Game is a forgettable movie that doesn't deliver on its promises. The slow pacing, lack of suspense, and underwhelming performances make it a movie that's not worth watching.

No Escape - No chicks allowed

Ray Liotta is one tough guy and he'll let you know about it. Its The Running Man meets Lord of the Flies and I don't think I asked for it.
So its an interesting idea for a film at this point in time. Ray Liotta wants an action role. Fine. So he's a former military hero who received a life sentence after killing his superior officer who made him do bad things. He's sent to a penal colony but is just too much of a headache so they ship him off to a tropical island paradise. Huh. There he must choose sides between the Outsiders (raiders in Fallout 4) and the Insiders (settlers in Fallout 4). He's poopy about both so instead he tries to figure a way off the paradise island to go back to the dystopian mainland because....he's poopy? I don't know or understand him.
The movie almost could trick you into thinking its good. Good(ish) production design, decent acting, competent cinematography. What it suffers from is two-fold: Its dumb and boring. Which is disappointing. Because if it wasn't dumb it might be "good". If it wasn't boring it might be fun. The plot and character motivations are inane. Why does the Warden have a secret jungle island he can just ship cons over to if he feels like it? What possible benefit is there for him? Why does Ray Liotta's guy want to leave so bad? There's lots of "why" questions here. Secondly, it's an action movie with pretty mundane action. Yeah there's a way too big explosion at the end but for the most part, things are done with very rudimentary CGI and bland stunts by a clearly not Ray Liotta. There's just too much yelling at each other and character origins to make it worth my time. 
But the worst crime it commits is setting up a great statement about private prison systems and punishment vs. rehabilitation and instead tries to fumble around with bland action sequences. I find it to be a frustrating film at best and a snoozer at worst. Sam likes it though.

Slime City - Don’t eat pudding before watching

That time your fiancé turned into a goop monster and had to kill people to stay ungoopy long enough for you to do it for the first time and then kill him.
I mean, there's just that much to see here. This guy moves into an apartment only to be invited to eat some goop and then turn into goop because the spirit of a Jim Jones guy lives in the goop and splits control over your body. He then threatens you (astral interior(ly), its a thing) to turn you into goop unless you satisfy his bloodlust and kill some bums and hookers. Pretty standard stuff here. Oh wait, everyone else in the apartment building has to do the same thing. Oh, and you've got a pesky 22 year old virgin girlfriend sniffing around/wanting to bang on your super gross mattress (it was gross before you became a goop monster, so....I think that's her fault? No its yours). That's nothing really that weird right?
This movie is bonkers. I'm not even talking about the best part of the movie but the plot on its own is as crazy as Death Bed: The Bed that Eats and it goes way past that level in nanners throughout. It is self-aware of how ridiculous it is, but its also incredibly artistic especially when factoring in its very modest $50K budget (even in 1988 this is crazy cheap). 
The only thing that can steer you away from this is if you have a weak stomach but the film helps you out with that by showing the insides of a tummy. Its just hot dogs and fruit salad so nothing to worry about. Barf away!

Cocaine Bear - Winnie the Pooh loved his honey, so....

You know the story. Bear finds coke. Bear eats people. Bear community is destroyed by illicit drugs. Rampant racism takes over bear cops. Struggle is real.
There's not much I can say about the plot that you don't already know. So lets just skip through that. So lets ask this - does it keep the momentum for the runtime that the trailer has? Well...no. Sadly I think that any excited about the movie will be disappointed. Its a little too tame for what you're sold. But if you go in expecting to be disappointed you might be alright. When you've been disappointed by so many movies of this vane, you expect another Wolf Cop. So maybe all that disappointment will work out for you. 
It could be a hall of fame movie but its not. So that's where I'm disappointed. It could have been great. Instead its just pretty good. I hate missed opportunities for hall of fame movies. If I didn't have such high expectations and needs, I'd have probably loved Cocaine Bear. Instead I find it to just be ok and only worth watching the one time.
Bummer.

An Appointment with Death

Hercule Poirot sticks his nose into the show and tells us our business, uninvited! Well told him all the problems with his "detecting".
So this is clearly Cannon Group's best produced movie. The production design is good. The costumes are fine. The locations are expensive and fitting. The casting is good. And that's where the compliments stop.
The plot is far from diabolical. In fact, it's blatantly obvious and with and incredibly stupid motive. Then there's the backstory to the motive which is even more stupid. So because the villain of the film is so painfully obvious (mostly just due to a major actor in the role, hint, hint. Its not like Kevin Spacy just suddenly appears out of nowhere with no mention in the credits) 50% of the movie is just the cast tutting around waiting for the plot to start and then the next 40% is Hercule Poirot tutting around and wasting everyone's time. Its not that its tedious because most of it is stupid but it is completely unnecessary and defeating when the reveal finally happens. You're left saying "why did I have to sit through all that build up for that?"
It's not that its really that bad, but unless you love ALL whodunits or you're an Agatha Christie completionist (I guess that's redundant), you can skip this one.

Zardoz - Rerun

We had a bit of an audio kerfuffle as Jackie didn't record any of her audio after doing the whole episode. We'll have to redo it this week and get it out next week. Sorry. So instead you get a treat of Sean Connery being randy in dystopia in Zardoz. Original date of release was back in January of 2018 in the "before time". Enjoy!

American Ninja 4 - Ninja manliness wars!

Dudikoff returns as Joe Armstrong but does any of the magic of the first 2 films come with him? And can David Bradley match up to his Alpha Ninja? And can Karl stand in for Steve James? Nope, uh uh and wowie no way man.
So basically, our boy from AN3 Sean (David Bradley) pairs up with his buddy to save some POWs held captive by a snobby Colonel Neil Diamond and his terrorist pal Shah-Blah-Blah who want $50 million and blow up a nuke in NYC. Well Sean and Carl get nabbed and tortured so the USA calls in ol' Joe Armstrong to ninja up and kick his way through a ninja training camp to free them all. The usual stuff here. Along the way he travels to Barter Town, fights in Thunderdome and recruits a horde of barbarians to invade the baddies fortress. Joe then finds the captives, proves his superiority to Sean, kills Sean, finds out dead Sean is an imposter (because?) and then wanders off.
So its the worst of the AN series and by quite a ways. There's very little remarkable in it outside of the lunacy that I mentioned last paragraph. The ninjas are dumb. The stunts are boring. The fight choreography is mushy. And the villains suck. There's also a ton of filler with the middle section mostly consisting of Sean, Karl and Sarah (Robin Stille) getting smacked around, Joe sharpening his sword (which he never uses) and the baddies cackling ala Dr. Evil.....for 40 minutes.
It's still a do, but just barely and not for anyone that isn't a baloney ninja action movie fan.

American Ninja Rerun

We go WAY back to 2016 (ugh, do we have to?) and revisit our first episode of the American Ninja saga (tee hee) with special guest Joe Fulgham of the Caustic Soda Podcast. Enjoy!

The Dirt - Whose wiener is this anyways?

Its pretty much a VH1 Behind The Music episode but with a lot more naked chicks.
Look, if you like Motley Crue (insert the umlauts on your own, bub) good for you. I'm not here to bash your taste in music. I think they have some ok jams and some terrible ones as well but that can be said about anyone (including The Beatles and Led Zeppelin) so enjoy your cassette tape of Decade of Decadence and rock on. This however is a podcast about bad movies and so this whole thing will be about the movie. And this movie sucks.
My problem with The Dirt is that its not a movie. There's no plot. There's no character journey. They start out as "fucking idiots" and end as "fucking idiots". "Well, its a biography pic", you might argue. "Sometimes people don't have any character arcs because they aren't characters, they are people." Ok, good argument. Except...
It isn't a damn biography. They movie even comes right out and says its all bullshit (delivered by Iwan Rheon's Mick Mars). Which is fine...if you're sitting around talking rock folklore with a dude wearing a Motorhead (stop it with the umlauts, dammit!) t-shirt. But this is outright revisionist history and by declaring some of it is bullshit so that it looks like a movie makes ALL of it bullshit and then what's the point of it anyways?
I'll tell you what. A celebration of infantile misogyny and entitlement. This is a man-boy jerk-off fantasy. "Wow, look at those guys shit on everyone they ever met and smack women around. Sure wish I could do that." said a future election denying mom's basement dweller. I'm over the romanticizing of hair metal excessiveness. None of it should be looked on fondly or celebrated. They were shitty people then and they are shitty people now.
Watch if you like excessive nudity though. I could use my time better though.