Stinker Madness - The Podcast for Bad Movie Lovers

Primal Rage - Sasquatch is so lonely

Sasquatch finds the love of his life and then her husband smashes his head with a rock. Shakespeare it is not.
So a couple get hit with rocks and get lost in the woods. What ensues is Squatch gets a crush on the lady and wants to have some alone time with her. Standing in his way is some rednecks, her husband and a local sheriff that's coming down from a bad peyote trip. And its way weirder than that. Its a tiny little indy-budget movie that is like the John Wick of DTV horror films as in someone that is GREAT at makeup directs and writes a movie. The makeup is great (like the stunts in JW) but the story is baffling (unlike JW) with the world of Bigfoot being very confusing and dubious. Throw in some Native American weapons and some bark armor and Bigfoot just gets weirder and weirder.
Apparently, what Squatches are, is the spirits of deceased Native American chiefs. So there is no lady Squatches, I guess. Much like the Catholic clergy (too soon?) that's a problem as our Squatch is a randy bastard who stalks our heroine for the sake of making some squatch/human baby hybrids. Oh, it gets weirder. A bog witch becomes involved and we're still not sure whose side she is on. 
Eventually, there's much murder of rednecks and buckets of gore with Squatch bouncing off trees like a ninja. Which is all fun. But there's too much not that surround this that makes it not awesome.
It's bizarre and dumb but it still may not be for everyone. If you like creature-features its a do. Everyone else might want to take a pass. 

American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt - Wanna hunt some blood this weekend, Phil?

Is there a Blood Hunt? Are there actually ninjas? Is there anything in this movie at all? Hopefully we have answers but its not looking good.
So I'm gonna try to sum up the plot here. A pair of criminals launch their criminal empire by stealing the box office of a local karate tournament. Ten years later, they plot to create a super-virus to sell to terrorists but in order to prove it works, they must inject it into the world's toughest ninja and watch him die. To do this, they have their lead ninja disguise herself as his adoptive karate dad and the secretary for the Ministry of the Interior....nope I can't do it. This crap makes no sense.
I mean this plot is nanners. Its not the idiot plot because the idiot plot requires an clear and achievable goal by either the protagonist or the antagonist. I literally have no idea what these guys are going for here. I mean its the kind of thing you write on a bedside notepad after a wild dream and think you've got the next Academy Award for screenplay on your hands and then you wake up and attempt to read it and all you can manage to decipher is "banana dogs". You then throw that note away. Well not for Cannon Films. They made that dream into reality and it stinks.
Aside from that is the ninjas. They are awful. These are probably the worst ninjas in film. They are bad at martial arts. They aren't sneaky. They appear to just be hourly employees that aren't ninjas but are dressed as such because the uniforms were cheap. Our heroes aren't much better. Steve James at least looks like he's done action scenes before but he's the sole bright spot in that dept.
I may be making this sound unwatchable but really AM3 is pretty fun. Its doesn't hold a candle to the first one but its a great bad movie Sunday especially in a double feature. Its a do!

211 - Swirlie receiver takes down international crime

Nic Cage has to team-up with his partner "Dead Meat" and a 16 year old bullied teenager to take down a team of bank-robbing mercenaries that have a combined IQ of DUUUUMMMMBBBB. Here comes the idiot plot.
Yes its a DTV Nic Cage movie. You probably know what you're getting into with this. Is it his worst? No. Is it fun? Well.....If you like the idiot plot (all drivers of the plot must be total morons or the movie doesn't happen) then yes. You'll like this. Is it the movie we wanted to see out of this premise? Nope. The thing is that the heisting aspect and subsequent danger our protagonists are put into is so incredibly trite and somewhat uninteresting that 3/4 of the movie is checkout time. We've seen it all before. Guys go into building, take hostages, unprepared police find a way to take them down. What is different is that the villains are absolute idiots. Their entire plan appears to have hinged on illegal parking. 
"Oh no, we've lost our parking space. What do we do?!?!"
"Only thing we can do. Kill the hostages and then walk out the front door into a hail of bullets."
"Good thing we put you in charge because my plan was to try to use leverage to get a chopper or even just go out the back of the building. Man, am I stupid."
Its really hard to root for the good guys here because the bad guys are so completely worthless. Which completely takes you out of the movie and leaves you wishing you'd just watched Kenny go on a ride-along and find a new father figure who takes care of that bully problem. This is a don't bother.

The Gingerdead Man - Three key ingredients of murder cookies

Gary Busey does some crimes, gets the chair and with the help of his momma hatches a very dubious but tasty way to enact his revenge against those that he did crimes against. I don't know. Look he's a talking murder cookie. What do you want here?
Ok this isn't exactly Macbeth here. Its a Charles Band movie called The Gingerdead Man. Its ridiculous. I think you know the level of intellect that is being tossed at you. You shouldn't be that surprised to know that this movie is a stinker. But what you might not expect is...that its kind of fun. Well why wouldn't it be? Well because of a slew of similarly stupid movies that have come out in the last 20 years. Some gimmick like Sharks From Mars or Tiny Tim But He's a Murderer or Octopusindomikhan or Dead People Who Are Famous Fight Vampires or... well you get the idea. The Asylum is especially to blame for this and you all know how we feel about their lazy garbage. So The Gingerdead Man likely has been on your radar in the same vein as their crap. But...its really not like their crap.
The Gingerdead Man is a terrible movie. Its a Chucky knock-off for the most part with its afore mentioned gimmick. BUT because its Charles Band, there's always some level of vaudevillian charm to it. Its hokey but cute. Its dumb but silly. And at no point is it the lazy crap that relies solely on its title to get you to watch it and instantly regret picking up a copy of Tornadodactyls vs Mittens, the Robot Cat.
Its a do from us.

Feeders 2: Slay Bells - Jeff Goldblum has nothing on Santa

Yeah these guys aren't taking over a mound of dirt. A handful of little and very inept ETs come to Earth to mess up the holidays for a family. Little did they know, they aren't good at anything.
So its a super 0 budget film that is put together by the Polonia brothers as part of their long running series of hobby films. That might turn quite a few people off but somehow this one that should cause some nausea manages to maintain a level of charm throughout. There's no sense of "I'm making the next Gone with the Wind" ego that comes with similar film makers, like Neil Breen or Tommy Wiseau. There's also no garbage hot take like you get with James Nguyen. There's just this sense that they wanted to have fun making a movie and that comes across very clearly.
The acting is probably the best/worst (says you!) part of the film as everyone cannot deliver a single line. It's not Troll 2 bad but it nears its level and is just a few really bad lines of dialogue away. There's just not enough opportunity for anyone to really blow it. But blow it they still do and its great. Second to that is the nonsensical plot that leaves the viewer wondering what the heck the aliens goal even is, let alone how they mastered interstellar travel. I'm these little buggers are so incredibly stupid and manage to get themselves killed more than anything. How its possible there is a body count of 3 here is beyond me as its not really clear how these guys harm anyone. I guess they are bitey? Also are they eating people? Who can tell? Lastly, the effects are atrocious as the aliens themselves look terrible and the post-production done with Video Toaster is the stuff of your local TV station making car lot commercials 20 years ago.
Its not for everyone but this will fall into the "its so bad its good" category for many fans of the genre; myself included.

Violent Night - Santa ain’t got time for your heist

Planning on holding hostages over the holidays? Better think again, because Santa will straight mess you up in so, so, so many ways.
In the late 70's and 80's there was a string of terrible "Christmas" movies that featured Santa or a Santa facsimile going on a murderous rampage (Santa's Slay, Santa Claws, Silent Night, Deadly Night 1-3, et al.). It could be an easy mistake to confuse this movie with that band of sellout cash grabs. Violent Night is far from any of those films.
While it does pay a little homage to that group along with other Xmas classic films (Die Hard and Home Alone being the biggest and most obvious), Violent Night is a true Christmas movie. Ok, well maybe not one that you watch with the kiddies and bitchy old Aunt Linda (she hates everything anyways) but one that could easily become an annual tradition in the right circles. Think Machette Kills but with Santa going berserker (spoiler: see what I did there?) on a group of heisting baddies, with the true spirit of Christmas being found by the end of the ride.
David Harbour's Santa is without a doubt the most likable Santa ever captured on film. All those other guys with their holly jolly that is without flaw and immune to the realities of the world (just gonna laugh and drink cocoa the rest of the year while millions die from disease and war, huh Santa? Jerk.) isn't what Harbour's Saint Nick is about. He's crushed by the way he's seen the world play out over the last century. He's tired of greed and people losing touch with caring for each other. He's a broken man and one whom audiences identify with. His disgruntling isn't just for laughs like cliché driven films are. There is a point to it all, just like everything else in this very well written film. The rest of the cast is also great with some top tier villainy and Grinchin' from John Leguizamo (Johnny Legs as he's affectionately monikered on Stinker Madness) and some real old rich bitching from Beverly D' Angelo.
We can't say enough about Violent Night (our podcast took almost 2 hours because there's just so much to say) and we think its one of the best Christmas movies of all time (I'm serious). It shouldn't have worked and could have easily been a 2 star movie but the production group knew what they were doing (the minds that also brought us Nobody and Bullet Train) and didn't get sidetracked from the concept. Execution is at a 10 (in a few ways *wink*) and we don't see enough of that in film.
Go see it. Thank us later. Actually thank the people who made this instead by seeing it twice.

Any Given Sunday Part 2 - Ghost of Football Awesome

Over-editing, bad actors and continuity problems plague not just the film but the Miami Sharks as well in Oliver Stone's complete mess of a tale about football (maybe).
Let me just start out by saying, I despise this movie. I didn't want to do it for the podcast. I still wish we hadn't. Its an insufferable mess that is 2 and 1/2 hours of my time wasted. I'm not a big sports movie guy and I'm especially not a big football movie guy (name a good one and don't say Brian's Song. That's not about football but this one isn't either, I guess) so going into this had some baggage that I was dragging into it. Maybe if I liked these types of movies, I'd have gone for it? 
Probably not. See the problem isn't the sports here. There's actually some really great photography done and execution of action is top notch. My problem is that it is completely devoid of a plot/point. No character comes out in any different shape then when the film started. Nothing transpires that make me feel something. The script is ridiculous. Reality was not something considered. The rules of the game are ignored. And the editing....oh my god the editing. Its so over done that frequently throughout the film, characters end up getting, what I'm calling, "Oli-Vision" in which whatever nonsense was rolling around in Oliver Stone's brain manifests itself in visions to them. It could be nerves or injury or the desire to win that causes Oli-Vision, the cause isn't clear. I hope I don't get it though as watching someone else's Oli-Vision is enough for a lifetime.
I find this thing odious, tedious, superfluous, and ostentatious. I'm sure I could find more ious words but then I run the risk of giving you Justi-Vision, which would make me a dick.
Don't waste your time here. But do waste your time listening to us talking about it.

Any Given Sunday Part 1 - Bring your gator to work day

This week we split up the way too long and way to many cuts, Oliver Stone hates the NFL movie with Al Pacino. Expect Sam and Justin to weakly impersonate Al and go on diatribes about football inaccuracies and Jackie talks penis. More to come next week!

Old - Nobody brought adult diapers!!!!!

Go to a beach resort and find yourself craving Worther's and looking for the Ben Gay. M. Knight is back on the podcast for another chapter in his nonsensical filmography.
So if you saw any trailer for this movie (see above) you already know the hook and most of the plot. You might expect some big twist considering the director and there is one but its very small and doesn't really change much so we're going to not worry about it very much here. What we are going to worry about is the incredibly stupid and nonsensical plot of being trapped somewhere that makes you age rapidly (50 years in 24 hours to be precise). Let me start by saying that there are plot holes big enough to drive a truck through. Some of that is physics based, some of that is "well we can't put that in a movie", but the biggie is that it breaks its own rules, which is a staple for M. Night Shyamalan.
At one point a character (a hemophiliac who has a nose bleed for unknown reasons) gets cut on the cheek only to have it heal immediately. Ok fine. Rules of the movie is that you get Wolverine's healing factor along with speed ageing. But just a few scenes later the same character is stabbed and doesn't heal. He dies. Ok, well maybe the stab wounds are too deep? No as evidenced by emergency surgery performed that has such quick healing they have to pull the flesh apart so that it can't heal before the operation is done. So this guy ain't dead. Later a man dies by tetanus - except tetanus is a bacteria. Fine, except nothing lives on this island because it can't reproduce fast enough. The rusty knife would have just been that - an oxidized iron covered blade that would have the same rules as the other healing. Then there's the mass problem that they barely try to fix inside the film with dialogue. The children grow to adulthood. Say that they put on 100 pounds on the low end in 24 hours. Well they eat alot, I guess (seems like they were busy doing other stuff to eat but whatever) In order to put on that 100 pounds they don't just have to eat 100 pounds of food - the body isn't that efficient. We do something everyday that is a source of great comedy for this podcast - pooping. We only absorb a fraction of our food and the rest goes out the backend. So they'd have to bring about 500 pounds of food per child (they don't) and then you've got a huge waste problem..... like 400 pounds of crap huge. Then there's periods, menopause, teeth, nails and hair (movie's explaination doesn't work here) and decomposition (no bacteria or ooey gooeys to eat your bod, right?). And there's probably quite a few we missed.
BUT that's not the only problem here - the acting is pretty terrible. The dialogue is atrocious. And some of the "horror" comes off as ridiculously funny.
Despite all this, it may be Shyamalan's best made movie. If you're into plot holes then its a do for you, but the masses should probably skip it.

Knock Off - WHOSE PANTS ARE THESE?

The Russian mafia hatches a plan to blackmail America with the threat of Greek Fire microchip bombs delivered via Chinese counterfeit Levi's. The only thing standing in their way is CIA agent and his mark, a pants seller. Whatta bombshell plot!
So its the film that kept JCVD out of movie theaters all the way until The Expendables. And there is a pretty good reason for that. Its either a) confusing, b) vague, c) nonsense, and/or d) completely stupid. Which I guess, makes its more confusing than anything. The biggest problem is the editing. This suffers from that terrible time in the late 90's and early 00's of over editing and slo-mo in scenes that don't call for it. There was also 20 minutes of action sequences cut out of the film and instead all the Rob Schneider stuff is left in. Nice.
BUT what does make it in the film is one of the dumbest plots in an action movie and that's saying something. Its all about the pants. The CIA has three independent teams working on counterfeit pants....for years. These are deep operatives embedded in the Hong Kong industry of knock-off pants. Huh. Then the plot to blow up America with tiny bombs sent overseas by cargo freighters is such a unholy terrible plan. I don't think its gonna work out, Russian mafia. 
There's a lot of good and fun shenanigans abound but sadly it just suffers from too many moving parts and very unclear editing. Which still makes it a "do" but its not a guarantee that you're going to like it.